by Dr. Cecil Clements (29th May 2012)
I have been travelling and just this morning came into Kansas City, Missouri. I have had the joy of meeting up with 2 friends of mine whom I had met 17 years ago, when we talked about things that we needed to do. Now 17 years later, it’s been great to sit and reminiscence over coffee, talking about the various ways that we had gone.
I was reminded of a quote, which said, “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
I think these days, friendships are being pushed out of our lives. We spend 10-12 hours every day at our work, and more often than not, we don’t take the time to have deep friendships, the kind of friend that we can share our hearts with. That’s slowly getting pushed out. To have a close friend means that we must invest in the friendship. We don’t have close friends who are able to stand with us in times of trouble. We don’t have a friend who might be able to say to us, “Hey, here’s something that you need to hear, that maybe nobody else will tell you."
I find that increasingly, many people are getting comfortable with having just 10-12 people who they are close with, but not the 2 or 3 people who they can really share their hearts with. I think that deep friendships are so very important in our lives. The ability to have people who can say boldly to you, “I’m willing to put my friendship on the line but you need to hear this.” Only a true friend will look you in the eye and be able to say something like that for your good, and your good alone. Other people may just be interested in saying the right things that we want to hear, not be willing to put friendship on the line to say the things that we may not like.
Lars Wilhelmsson in his book ‘Making Forever Friends’ says, “Friends are a must. We must have friends and be friends to be fully human and alive.”
Typically, we have 3 circles:
He’s the best friend that you can ever have. Just talk to God, He’s ever willing to listen.
God Bless Us All.
Resources
I have been travelling and just this morning came into Kansas City, Missouri. I have had the joy of meeting up with 2 friends of mine whom I had met 17 years ago, when we talked about things that we needed to do. Now 17 years later, it’s been great to sit and reminiscence over coffee, talking about the various ways that we had gone.
I was reminded of a quote, which said, “A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
I think these days, friendships are being pushed out of our lives. We spend 10-12 hours every day at our work, and more often than not, we don’t take the time to have deep friendships, the kind of friend that we can share our hearts with. That’s slowly getting pushed out. To have a close friend means that we must invest in the friendship. We don’t have close friends who are able to stand with us in times of trouble. We don’t have a friend who might be able to say to us, “Hey, here’s something that you need to hear, that maybe nobody else will tell you."
I find that increasingly, many people are getting comfortable with having just 10-12 people who they are close with, but not the 2 or 3 people who they can really share their hearts with. I think that deep friendships are so very important in our lives. The ability to have people who can say boldly to you, “I’m willing to put my friendship on the line but you need to hear this.” Only a true friend will look you in the eye and be able to say something like that for your good, and your good alone. Other people may just be interested in saying the right things that we want to hear, not be willing to put friendship on the line to say the things that we may not like.
Lars Wilhelmsson in his book ‘Making Forever Friends’ says, “Friends are a must. We must have friends and be friends to be fully human and alive.”
Typically, we have 3 circles:
- An outer circle which basically comprises of acquaintances, people who we get along with, interact with, gel with – no real issues come up, don’t get into controversial topics.
- A middle circle of maybe 10 or 12 friends – those we automatically put on a guest list when we are throwing a party, people that we can relax with, joke with and yet know that they won’t take it too seriously. Basically people with who you can let your hair down.
- Finally, the inner circle, 2 or 3 people with who you can really be yourself with, people that you can trust, people who speak into you and you can speak into them, people who will go the extra mile for you, who don’t need things explained. They’re there for you at the drop of a hat.
I really believe that in today’s world, where we are more and more busy with our work and the different things that we do, that it’s so important that we find and nurture 2 or 3 people who are going to make a difference in our lives.
James L. Lynch, a specialist in psychosomatic diseases, in his book ‘Broken Hearted: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness’ says, “Loneliness is the #1 cause of illness and death in America. Lonely people not only live unhappier lives but they die sooner than those who enjoy warm friendships.” We know that it is possible to be surrounded by friends and yet be very lonely.
This morning I want to give you some ways in which we can make and keep friends. I owe all my thoughts to Dr. Dale Galloway, a professor of mine when I was doing my management studies. He wrote a book called ‘The Fine Art of Getting Along With Others’. In it he says, “Close friends are priceless. The shallowness and emptiness that can sometimes overtake us if we spend all our time with the outer circle and middle circle of friends to the exclusion of developing special in the inner circle, can ruin us.” He then quotes Paul Tournier, “No one can develop freely in this world and find a full life without feeling understood by at least one person or 2 persons or 3, but close enough for us to bare our souls.”
Do you have that kind of person around you? I want to challenge you today. Seek them out, find those people, go after them, invest time and then build deep friendships. You cannot remain close by neglecting, taking for granted, taking liberties or taking advantage of your close friends. You need to develop friendships. They don’t just happen.
So from Dr. Galloway’s book, 7 principles on how to have and to keep close friends.
James L. Lynch, a specialist in psychosomatic diseases, in his book ‘Broken Hearted: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness’ says, “Loneliness is the #1 cause of illness and death in America. Lonely people not only live unhappier lives but they die sooner than those who enjoy warm friendships.” We know that it is possible to be surrounded by friends and yet be very lonely.
This morning I want to give you some ways in which we can make and keep friends. I owe all my thoughts to Dr. Dale Galloway, a professor of mine when I was doing my management studies. He wrote a book called ‘The Fine Art of Getting Along With Others’. In it he says, “Close friends are priceless. The shallowness and emptiness that can sometimes overtake us if we spend all our time with the outer circle and middle circle of friends to the exclusion of developing special in the inner circle, can ruin us.” He then quotes Paul Tournier, “No one can develop freely in this world and find a full life without feeling understood by at least one person or 2 persons or 3, but close enough for us to bare our souls.”
Do you have that kind of person around you? I want to challenge you today. Seek them out, find those people, go after them, invest time and then build deep friendships. You cannot remain close by neglecting, taking for granted, taking liberties or taking advantage of your close friends. You need to develop friendships. They don’t just happen.
So from Dr. Galloway’s book, 7 principles on how to have and to keep close friends.
- Treat your close friend as you want to be treated.
- Build your friend’s self-esteem; help them to feel better about themselves. They in turn, will make you feel better about yourself. The people we feel closest to are those who have discovered how to make us feel good about ourselves as persons. Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “Friendship is a pleasing game of interchanging praise.”
- Pay attention to little things. Close relationships are built on sensitivity and kindness and responsiveness. I remember some time back, calling up a friend and had hardly started chatting about things, when he said, “Just a minute! What’s going on?” I was going through difficult things at that time. So I was very touched that he could sense that even as we were talking about other stuff, that there was something deeper. That’s what a friend does for us. There’s an old rhyme that goes like this: “it’s the little things we do or say that make or break the beauty of the average passing day. Hearts like doors will open with ease with very, very little keys. And don’t forget that 2 of these are ‘I thank you’ and ‘If you please’.
- Take off your mask and let your friends get close to you. I was just thinking of the Johari window that some of you may be aware of. Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham, two psychologists, put together the Johari window in the late 60s. They talk about the 4 spaces that we have.
- The first is our public self, which is known to others and known to ourselves.
- The second is our hidden self which is unknown to others but known to ourselves.
- The third is the blind spot, which is unknown to us, but known to others.
- The fourth is our unconscious self.
- Be a giver and not a taker. Close friendships require deep commitment. Giving time and energy required to foster these deep relationships is demanding. But take the time to put into these kinds of friendships because they are invaluable in our world today.
- Give your friend the priceless gift of non-judgmental acceptance. So often we just want to be ourselves without being judged and that’s what friendship is.
- Stick by your friend through thick and thin. Walter Winchell said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” Another wise saying is “A friend is like a tube of toothpaste: he/she comes through in a tight squeeze.” Loyalty is the key to enjoying lasting friendships.
I offer this to you in your corporate world as you jockey around for space and time. Take time out for friendship. Take time out to cultivate somebody that you know will stand by you, that you know you will want to stand by you.
The Bible says, “Two are better than one, for if they fall, the one will lift up the fellow. But it’s so sad to him that is alone, for when he falls, he does not have another to help to pick them up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9)
How many of us would say “That’s the kind of relationship I would love to have, somebody who just accepts me, somebody who’s willing to be there for me, somebody who’s there to pick me up, somebody who I can share my thoughts with, somebody who will get in my face and tell me that what I am doing is wrong. If we want to have deep friendships, we have to invest deeply.
My challenge for you today is: look around. If you don’t have 2 or 3 friends, look around and see those that you really vibe with and then begin to invest in those relationships. You will not go wrong by having an inner circle, that tight circle of good people who will stand by you.
I want to close with this song:
The Bible says, “Two are better than one, for if they fall, the one will lift up the fellow. But it’s so sad to him that is alone, for when he falls, he does not have another to help to pick them up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9)
How many of us would say “That’s the kind of relationship I would love to have, somebody who just accepts me, somebody who’s willing to be there for me, somebody who’s there to pick me up, somebody who I can share my thoughts with, somebody who will get in my face and tell me that what I am doing is wrong. If we want to have deep friendships, we have to invest deeply.
My challenge for you today is: look around. If you don’t have 2 or 3 friends, look around and see those that you really vibe with and then begin to invest in those relationships. You will not go wrong by having an inner circle, that tight circle of good people who will stand by you.
I want to close with this song:
I talk to Jesus every day.
And He’s interested in every word I say.
No secretary ever tells me He’s been called away.
I talk to Jesus every day.
He’s the best friend that you can ever have. Just talk to God, He’s ever willing to listen.
God Bless Us All.
Resources
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