Many, many years ago I came across a little plaque with a saying that has stayed with me all these years. It said, "To love is to care; and to care is to be vulnerable." Over the years I have come to realize that statement is so true, yet so defining in our relationships. Vulnerability means that you open yourself up to people and that happens when you care about something or a person or a situation. That is a prerequisite to love people – somehow when you love, you yourself become vulnerable.
But this whole issue of being vulnerable is so vulnerable, isn't it? Vulnerability has to do with self-disclosure. It has to do with opening ourselves up to people, letting people see things about us that we sometimes may not be comfortable allowing them to see. I remember sharing about the Johari window with you some time back. Out of the 4 windows put together by these two psychologists, one of them has to do with what we like other people to see about ourselves. We actually determine what people can see and know about us. That has to do with self-disclosure. Self-disclosure of course, is dependent on trust. As trust increases, then we are able to disclose more and more of ourselves.
But as I looked at this whole area of being vulnerable, I came across this article in Harvard Business Review entitled, "To Create a Real Connection, Show Vulnerability." I thought that it was interesting to see that on a marketplace blog that encourages managers and leaders to vulnerable. As the writer, Michael Simmons, gets to the middle of his article, he says, "What if we shared our mixed feelings with others? Would that, in any way, bring us down or reduce us in the eyes of people?"
He then cites an interesting study that was put together by Arthur Aron that had to do with vulnerability. The study actually paired students who were strangers. The students were given 45 minutes to ask each other a series of questions. Half the pairs were given questions that were factual and shallow (e.g., a favorite holiday or TV show) – very superficial. The other half were given questions that started off as factual but gradually became deeper, getting to the point where the questions were – the role of love in their lives, the last time they cried in front of someone else. The final question was, "Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find the most disturbing?" They gradually moved to questions that were not superficial but were really self-disclosing. What they found out at the end of it was that the people who shared deeper developed much deeper bonds. Many became friends and had lasting friendships. Basically what the experiment said was that the more we are able to disclose about ourselves, the stronger are the relationships that we have.
That made me think! In our workplaces, we spend a lot of time with people, we want to have good relationships and we do so many things to try to build teams. But teams are built on relationships and relationships are built on trust. And it seems like trust, too, is dependent on how much we disclose about ourselves. Simmons goes on to say, "The mistaken assumption is that if people find out who we really are underneath, they'd remove themselves from our lives. The reality is that if we share the ups and downs of our human experience in the right way in the right context, we build deeper connections. In so doing, we can break down the roles we play (e.g., client/customer, boss/employee, fundraiser/philanthropist) and connect with each other as humans."
Interesting! To connect with each other as humans! We soon realize that this is easier said than done. How willing are we to disclose things about ourselves? Is that the right thing to do even in our work environments?
Another article on the same topic entitled 'Building Trust Through Skillful Self-Disclosure' says, "Psychologists have long known that self-disclosure is one of the hallmarks of intimate relationships. Successful and strategic self-disclosure is a leadership competency that many leaders have yet to acquire. Used incorrectly, or in the wrong corporate environment, self-disclosure can backfire." But we need to be able to trust ourselves with disclosing at least some things that would help build relationships. As these authors, Lynn Offermann and Lisa Rosh, say, "Self-disclosure is a leadership competency. Somehow it helps to build bonds between people who work with us and the teams that we are a part of. Yet, if it is used incorrectly, it can really bomb."
The authors go on to talk about how BP CEO Tony Hayward (if you remember the great massive oil spill that happened a couple of years ago) apologized saying, "There is no one who wants this over more than I do. I'd like my life back." Yet his display of self-disclosure certainly didn't do him or his company much good because it focused entirely on what he wanted rather than what he was doing for the company.
So, what would be examples of vulnerability? Well, let me throw out a few that I got out of this particular website. By the way, Brené Brown gave a TEDx talk on vulnerability in 2010. That talk went viral – multi-million views on that particular one. But here's a couple of things that the author who referenced Brené Brown says are examples of vulnerability in the workplace:
· Taking a risk, stepping into the emotional unknown, and exposing who you really are.
· Giving honest feedback to a team member. Saying what you really think isn't always easy; however it can be the quickest route to building trust with another person.
· Encouraging others to be better than you. This means you aren't intimidated by another colleague's success. In fact, you feel inspired by it.
· If you have made a mistake, let your people know. If you want your team to learn from their mistakes, then lead by example.
· Tell your team what you are working on in order to improve yourself. Ask them to give you feedback on your progress and ask them to hold you accountable for your improvement.
There's a term that all of you who are in computers and IT will know – Wiziwig which really implies a user interface that allows the user to view something very similar to the end result while the document is being created. Yet, 'what you see is what you get' should and may be a part of our mental make up as well. Somehow, people can look at us and say – "That person, what you see on the outside is actually what they are on the inside as well." That's a place of willing self-disclosure – to be able to say, "This is who I am" and wear it on your sleeve.
Brené Brown brings it back to corporate spaces when she says, "Vulnerability is not weakness, and that myth is profoundly dangerous. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change." That is something all of us want.
So friends, self-disclosure, being vulnerable, looking for trust, or even swift trust that can be created; but all to help us be better at what we do in the workplace.
May I pray with you? Almighty God, bless each person on this call. Help us to be more vulnerable. Help us to be more trusting. Lord, help us to trust You to show us what to self-disclose so that we are doing it right and well. Allow us to build lasting relationships, beautiful relationships that will last a long time. Allow us to be better leaders and managers in our areas of work. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
• Michael Simmons, "To Create a Real Connection, Show Vulnerability." http://blogs.hbr.org/2014/05/to-create-a-real-connection-show-vulnerability/
• Arthur Arons, et al., "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness." http://www.stafforini.com/txt/Aron%20et%20al%20-%20The%20experimental%20generation%20of%20interpersonal%20closeness.pdf
• Lynn Offermann & Lisa Rosh, "Building Trust Through Skillful Self-Disclosure." http://blogs.hbr.org/2012/06/instantaneous-intimacy-skillfu/
• Garin Rouch, "The Power of Vulnerability in the Workplace." http://www.outstand.org/index.php/2013/04/the-power-of-vulnerability-in-the-workplace/
• Brené Brown, "Vulnerability" quote
• Swift Trust concept brought out by Meyerson et al. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swift_trust_theory
• Johari Window, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johari_window
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