It has been said traditionally, of men that we find it difficult to ask for help, whether it is asking for directions or how to do something. We often find that we try to fix something before looking at the manual believing that we can do it. I was reflecting on that and thinking about the inability we have to say, "I don't know what to do in this situation. Can I ask you for help?" It really goes beyond a male/female penchant. It does have to do with something else. I thought it was worth exploring a little bit.
I came across this interesting video that MIT had put together about asking for help and not feeling bashful about it. They have students who talk about how they came into MIT, being top of their class before they came in. they were exceptionally brilliant people, getting straight A's, not having to study. Then at MIT, they suddenly find themselves up the creek without a paddle, finding things very difficult. MIT encourages people to ask for help, to set aside one's independence and the false notion that you can manage. The students say that halfway through the semester, they realized that it was time to ask for help. When they do that, they find that help is so easily forthcoming. That made me think – that seems to be a human tendency to not ask for help.
Richard Branson of the Virgin group, says, "One of the reasons my friends and I were successful early on was because we always asked a lot of questions. I was willing to listen to anyone who could help, and over the years many people volunteered their advice." He goes on to talk about his mother and Sir Freddie Laker, the founder of Laker Airways. Branson says, "I was not afraid to ask for help, not afraid to say – I don't know. What do I need to know?"
Why don't we ask for help? Very often it has to do with our feeling of insecurity. We think that if we let people know that we don't know, that we are insecure, that we are not completely in control of the things that we are doing. Or self-righteously we think that we are the only ones who can do it the right way. As Mike Robbins says, "We love to help others, but to have others help us is not the way we like to go."
Psychologist John Grohol says that there are two myths about asking for help.
1. It makes us look vulnerable. That is an absolute myth. Rather, it helps us to overcome our inadequacies and to learn and grow.
2. Highly successful people never ask for help. That's the biggest myth of all. Most successful people will tell you that they have always been able to say what they don't know and then move on and ask for help and get the answers that they need.
He goes on to say, "At the heart of these myths is fear. It is fear that we may look vulnerable or that we may look like we are not on top of our game, our insecurity, our penchant to really want to do everything ourselves so that other people don't get credit. At the heart is fear. And we need to be able to deal with that fear. We need to overcome that fear." I think of how many times our Holy Scriptures remind us: "Fear not!" Fear is not something that should be a part of our mental makeup. Fear is based on thinking that we ought to be in control of everything. But really we are not. We are dependent on a lot of people and more than anything else, we ought to be dependent on God who can take away that fear and bring us to a place of solid ground and stability.
But when you look at asking for help, especially in corporate settings, to ask for help is a good thing especially if you are in a new job. I was reading this article in Forbes – 'The Five Questions Every New Employee Should Ask On Their First Day." I think this is relevant even if you are not in a new job.
· What can I expect? What can I expect in terms of review policy. What are expectations that are required of me? What does my boss expect in terms of progress reports? All of these need to be asked right at the beginning.
· What should I know about the office? What should I know about things that are happening – the dynamics of people around me? Whether there are alliances or friendships that I should know about? What is the reputation of the group that I am a part of within the context of the larger organization?
· Is there anything weird about procedure and processes? We may not like it but every company and manager has weird and unusual ways of doing things that they consider normal. We need to be sure that we are not surprised by these processes. Ask your new co-workers about their best practices. Does your new manager expect to be cc'd on all correspondence?
· What's the deal with availability and flexibility? What are ways that we look at working timings? Is it flexible? What about vacation time?
· What happened to the person who was in my position before me? This is the most important. If you find there were 3 people before you in the last year, then a red flag should go up and you should wonder what's going on. But if you find that there were 3 people who have gone on to higher positions in the company, that's a good thing.
So as you look at asking questions, you begin to acquire more knowledge that can help you to make decisions, help you to navigate in the course of your work in the company. Nick Reese says, "Even in terms of asking advice via email, ask people. Write letters to people and ask for advice. Don't ask the general question: 'What advice do you have for me?' That's a bad question to ask. It is better to be very specific. Let there be a context, specific info the person needs to answer your question with.
What is the goal? What is your desired outcome of the answer?
What's your struggle? What specifically is stopping you from achieving your desired outcome?"
"When you begin to ask advice like this, very specifically," says Nick Reese, "then people are more apt to give you that advice to help you grow."
Friends, you and I find ourselves in situations all the time where we wonder, "Should I ask or should I not? Will it diminish me in any way if I ask the question?" The only way that we can acquire more knowledge, be better aware of the situation we find ourselves in, is to be able to ask the question. It is in no way shameful, nor does it make us vulnerable. It only increases our knowledge base for better decision-making. Here's the caveat at the end: I'm a firm believer in the fact that the spiritual is so much an integral part of our office spaces. An all-wise God who knows more about our situation than anybody else, is sometimes the best person that we can ask for help. So I would urge you. The Scriptures say, "Ask, seek, knock." Keep on asking; keep on seeking, keep on knocking on the doors of the Almighty God. Get the questions and the answers from Him. I pray that this will encourage you for today.
May I pray with you? Almighty God. To You we come, each one of us, asking that You would give us wisdom, that even as we ask, we would hear Your answers and that You would lead us. Help us not to fear, to look around and ask questions of people around us without in any way feeling that it makes us less than who we are. Remind us that we are who we are because of what and how You made us. So we yield to Your wisdom today. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
• "Asking for help@MIT:Advice from students." http://video.mit.edu/watch/asking-for-helpmit-advice-from-students-12326/
• Megan Casserly, "The Five Questions Every New Employee Should Ask On Their First Day." http://video.mit.edu/watch/asking-for-helpmit-advice-from-students-12326/
• Mike Robbins, "It's OK To Ask For Help." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-robbins/asking-for-help-ok_b_814796.html
• Richard Branson on the Art of Asking for Advice." http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/229532
• Alexis Grant, "The Big Mistake You Are mAking When You Ask For Advice." http://blog.brazencareerist.com/2012/07/11/the-big-mistake-youre-making-when-you-ask-for-advice/
• John M. Grohol, :Asking For Help." http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/11/asking-for-help/
• Nick Reese, "The Secret Art of Asking for Advice (and Mentoring). http://www.nicholasreese.com/how-to-ask-for-advice/
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