I've been thinking a lot about self-deprecating humor. I don't know whether it is something you have ever thought about, but it came to the forefront when I was watching a movie called 'The Great Debaters'. It was basically a movie where 3 guys and a girl were being trained to debate. This was in a totally black university, Wiley College, and how the person in charge of the debating team, played by Denzel Washington, took them through training and made them believe in themselves. Finally they went up against Harvard debating team and won. It is a great movie. There were a couple of lines in it that really got my attention. When he is training these guys, one of them stands up and makes a disparaging remark about himself in the course of introducing the subject. Immediately Denzel Washington stops him and says, "Would you punch yourself in a street fight, Mr. Burgess?" The guys answers, "No, sir!" He says, "Then don't punch yourself in a word fight. You don't have to make fun of yourself."
It made me think that sometimes we can use self-deprecating humor on ourselves and think that it will earn us Brownie points. And it may. But at other times, the potential of being self-deprecating is that it may work against you.
What would be self-deprecating? I was trying to anchor it in an explanation. "Some people are egotistical – always talking about how great they are. The opposite type of person is self-deprecating – dwelling on his/her own faults and even joking about how they are short, unsuccessful or not that smart. Being self-deprecating is usually considered a good trait (the key word here is usually), a quality of someone with a wry sense of humor. When being self-deprecating goes too far however, it can become self-loathing and self-sabotaging, which are less amusing forms of putting yourself down." That's the definition that comes out of vocabulary.com. But it brings about a delineation between being absolutely confident about who you are and being self-deprecating which could be a good thing. But if carried too far, can get to a point where you become self-loathing and don't think too much of yourself.
Saranya Kapur in businessinsider.in was quoting somebody in an article and said, "Self-deprecation is only dangerous if there is any chance at all that the person you are talking to might agree with it." How true! If you are being self-deprecating and saying, "Well, I am really not that good," and somebody else is listening and thinking, "Yeah, I agree with that assumption or that assessment. Then you are not in a good place because you have already sold yourself short and people believe it.
Lucy Kellaway said, "So long as there is no doubt about the status and superiority of the person using it, self-deprecation is one of the most effective tools there is." If there is no doubt about who you are, about the status and superiority of the person, then there is no problem using it. But if there is, then you're on dangerous ground. This makes be think that it's got to be used more after you've achieved some degree of status and success and people respect you for self-deprecation to work. Because when you haven't and you use it, it conveys the fact that here is a person who is completely insecure with whom they are.
In response to this article, there were a couple of comments. One person said about Golda Meir, the former Israeli Prime Minister, that she was chairing a cabinet meeting and a minister who deeply disagreed with her policy that he might not be intelligent enough unlike the others in the room to grasp the concepts that she was outlining. After listening to him for several minutes she said, "You shouldn't feign modesty. You were never that good to begin with." Ouch! While trying to act like you are not intelligent, you really got slammed by someone who took that very seriously and put you down.
As Scott Rasmussen says, "When you talk about self-deprecation, it's not a novel trait. It used to be called false modesty and is commonly associated with narcissists. It's really self-promotion by stealth." Good use of words! You're quietly trying to push yourself forward while being self-deprecating. Or is it even stealthy?
All this made me think: we all use self-deprecating humor, don't we? It made me ask the question: Is it working for us or is it working against us? I remember many years ago, I was asked to sing a song at my college and I went to an accompanist and said, "Would you play for me?" He was one of the finest pianists in the college. He listened to the song and said that he was not very good at it. I interjected and told him that he was the best pianist I ever heard. He stopped me and said, "I'm not in any way minimizing my talent as a pianist. I'm just saying that I'm not used to this particular genre and therefore I'll have to work hard at it." I thought to myself that here was a guy who was very confident about his ability as a pianist. When he said something, it was in no way disparaging of his talent. Yet, he was able to speak about his weakness.
Domino's Pizza, in 2008, brought out what has been touted in the media and business world and a self-deprecating advertisement. They aired all the things that their critics said about their pizza, from the kind of sauce they used, tomato ketchup to the crust being like cardboard. Then they started talking about the new pizza they were bringing in. it worked like a charm for them. It increased their sales. But as you think about it, does it really work for you? It's good to take a bit of a pause and ask ourselves, "When I knock myself, is it helping me or is it belittling me to the people I am talking to?" that's a good question to ask, because sometimes we use these tools in our vocabulary without really thinking of how it can actually work as a negative rather than as a positive.
Brynna Gabrielson says, "After years of self-deprecating behavior, I've never learned how to properly talk a compliment. A part of me wants to argue with him, to tell him there's nothing special about me." That's the other end! We can get to a point where we're so self-deprecating, we are so good at putting ourselves down that when we get a compliment, we just don't know how to take it.
What would be a good balance? I think in terms of what our Scriptures say: "I am made in the image of God." Humility is fine but not to knock that image. That would be the litmus test for me, that if I ever get to knock something that God has made and which He pronounced good and bears His image – that's not good for me.
That's my thought for you this morning. Look at how you use self-deprecating humor. Ask the question: Are you demeaning yourself or are you furthering yourself?
Can I pray with you? Almighty God. Give us wisdom and discernment to be able to look at the way we use self-deprecating humor and always to make sure that we never knock the fact that we are made in Your image and therefore, good and yet to be able to know the difference. I pray that wisdom for each one on this call in the precious name of Jesus. Amen.
• The Great Debaters, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0427309/
• "Self-deprecating" meaning. http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/self-deprecating
• Saranya Kapur, "How Self-deprecating Jokes Can Backfire." http://www.businessinsider.in/How-Self-Deprecating-Jokes-Can-Backfire/articleshow/25811316.cms
• Lucy Kellaway, "Why it is very clever to pretend to be stupid," http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/fdbc8282-4859-11e3-a3ef-00144feabdc0.html#axzz3DRJJMeAq
• Samuel Passow, "Feigning Modesty can Backfire on You." http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/746aec30-4b01-11e3-ac3d-00144feabdc0.html#axzz3DRJJMeAq
• Scott Rasmussen, Some aren't fooled by false modesty." http://www.ft.com/intl/cms/s/0/92eaafac-4e07-11e3-8fa5-00144feabdc0.html#axzz3DRJJMeAq
• Brynna Gabrielson, quote on self-deprecation. http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/self-deprecation
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