I have been thinking as we've been looking at what's been going on in these last few days, moving into the end of the year, reminiscing. I thought back to the time when my chair was giving me trouble. The castors were not working and moving around behind my desk was difficult. I called a couple who could fix it. I told them I was going out of town and would they be able to fix it then. They did it. When I returned, it was so good to see my chair moving well once again and I thought that I would send them a thank you note. This was ten years ago and I was still getting used to the phone, and I had a new phone too. As I was trying to send out this message, I did something and the message started going out to everybody on my contact list. In desperation, I tried to stop it but didn't know how. I was horrified as I saw this message going out to more and more people – "Thank you for fixing my chair. It's so good to have it working again." I tried to switch off the phone, but when I put it back on, it seemed like it wouldn't quit. It just started where it left off. I tried removing the battery and it still didn't stop. Finally I gave up and decided to send out a letter saying, "Sorry! That wasn't meant for you."
Apart from being humiliated, I was humored by some of the comments that came back – "I had nothing to do with fixing your chair." "I'm glad you're enjoying your chair." I had a niece who took credit for it and said, "You're welcome!" So I had to send out an email to all saying, "I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have got this from me." That happens often, doesn't it? We go through life doing things that we probably don't intend to and then intentionally or unintentionally hurt people. The thing to do is to be able to say – "We're sorry." That happens so often in the work place as well.
Karen Dillon talks about a time when somebody had a new boss who had sent out a letter about keeping the common area clean. This guy had sent out a message ridiculing it, thinking that he was sending it as a forward to all his buddies around the office and instead hit 'Reply' which sent it right back to his boss. He ran all the way down to the IT department trying to get them to stop it. It was a horrible moment.
But when we look at the faux pas that we go through, we find that we find ourselves doing things that we cannot take back. There's nothing to do but just say – Sorry. I goofed and please accept my sincere apologies. Yet that is something that is still debatable. Many people warn us to be careful about apologizing. Interestingly, a forum corporation, about 3 or 4 years back, did a survey with 954 global professionals on this whole area. They found that 87% of managers said that they always or often apologize for mistakes. But the interesting fact was that 19% of employees said that their managers apologize most or all of the time. 51% of managers believe that apologizing makes them look incompetent, 18% believe it makes them look weak and another 18% said that it wasn't necessary. Those are strange statistics!
I love the old Latin word for 'apologize' or 'sorry' which is 'Mea Culpa'. If translated correctly, what is really says is "I am to blame." It puts it squarely back on to you and me – we have made a mistake and we need to be able to say, "I'm sorry."
Laura Bloom, in her book 'The Art Of The Apology' says that, "Effective mea culpa has 6 essential features:
1. Be sincere. Don't fake it. Most people can see through a fake apology. G.K. Chesterton, the well-known writer of the previous century says, "A stiff apology is a second insult… The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt." So make sure that the apology is sincere.
2. Briefly explain what exactly you did wrong. She gives an example of a person sitting in a meeting, where her boss and the boss of another company were sitting together along with their top decision makers about a particular campaign. Her boss was giving a presentation on research that she had done and he misquoted some figures. She piped up and corrected him. She found that her boss was very cool to her after that and was wondering how to handle it. Laura Bloom says, "Briefly explain what exactly you did wrong. I'm sorry I made you look silly in front of people."
3. Suggest a solution for the next time this thing happens. What do I do when this happens? Can I send you a note under the table to get your attention? How do I do this without putting you on the spot and yet make sure that you get accurate data out?
4. If your boss wants to vent, let him vent. That's the hardest part. The person you've wronged won't feel they've been heard unless you do it.
5. Thank them for giving you another chance.
6. Don't ever do it again.
Does an apology work? That's a question that many people are asking. Yet, in 2002, the University of Michigan adopted a policy for full disclosure for medical errors in their hospital, including an apology. You will not believe this, but the rate of lawsuits dropped 65% after they adopted that policy. Apologizing does work. Saying sorry does work. Because, after all, if we are to blame, then the natural response must be to apologize.
Gary Chapman of 'The Five Love Languages' fame has a book that he has co-authored with Jennifer Thomas called 'The Five Languages Of Apology'. In it they say, there are five languages that must be spoken during the course of an apology.
1. Expressing regret – saying I'm sorry.
2. Accepting responsibility – I was wrong.
3. Making restitution – what can I do to make it right?
4. Genuinely repenting – I'll try not to do that again.
5. Requesting forgiveness – will you please forgive me?
As we wind down this year, we often look back over the year and look at things that have happened. We have crisis moments, we have difficult times we have faced. We have contributed to some of them. Maybe I have wronged somebody, maybe I am to blame and I've never really apologized for it. I wonder whether in these days ahead, if we can say, "If I am to blame, certainly I must apologize. I must try to make things right. I should take the blame and say I'm sorry." Maybe as we cross over into the New Year, we would cross over with a relationship with somebody that we thought was broken or a relationship that was strained. We will then be able to say that in 2015, we have this relationship or friendship back and there's always a sense of peace and well being that comes from doing what was right.
Mea culpa, my friends. I am to blame and therefore, I must apologize and say, I'm sorry. A word for all of us, including me, as we wind down.
May I pray with you? Almighty God, give us the wisdom, the knowledge, the discernment and the ability to own up to mistakes that we have made, to be able to boldly and with sincerity say, "I'm sorry" and seek the forgiveness of someone we have wronged. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
• Karen Dillon, "When a Private Message ends up in the Wrong Place." https://hbr.org/2014/12/when-a-private-message-ends-up-in-the-wrong-place
• "Apology & Trust in the Workplace," ATD Staff. https://www.td.org/Publications/Magazines/TD/TD-Archive/2014/02/Intelligence-Apology-and-Trust-in-the-Workplace
• Anne Fisher, "How to Apologize at Work." http://fortune.com/2014/08/14/how-to-apologize-at-work/
• Gary D. Chapman, Jennifer M. Thomas, "The Five Languages of Apology: How to experience healing in all your relationships." https://books.google.co.in/books?id=wHtyN-sIP1EC&pg=PA214&lpg=PA214&dq=apologizing+in+the+workplace&source=bl&ots=0-1PbNBrLj&sig=QugaHcksgtZ1oGOyX56KvGaFV-o&hl=en&sa=X&ei=hdKYVNaeGMuMuATGh4HYCQ&ved=0CFQQ6AEwCTgK#v=onepage&q=apologizing%20in%20the%20workplace&f=false
• G. K. Chesterton quote: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/apology.html
• Mea Culpa, http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/mea+culpa
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