Reminiscing this morning, I was reminded of a friend I had met about 5 or 6 years ago who had wanted me to meet another friend of his who, he said, would really leave an impression on me. I was curious as we sat down to lunch and waited for his friend to come. When he did, it left me shocked. Sitting across from me was one of the most disfigured faces that I had ever seen in my life. After I got over the initial shock, he smiled at me and said that he used to be a baseball commentator. He said, "One day, after a win, we were letting off fireworks and one of them malfunctioned and blew up in my face. I went from hospital to hospital doing multiple reconstructive surgeries on my face. It wasn't helping, and my attitude too was very bad. One day, I was in this particular hospital and a nurse walked in and said to me: 'We get people like you all the time. There are always two things that happen to the people who come in here. They either get better or they get bitter. The choice is always up to the patient.'"
I still think about that, remembering him and seeing what a wonderful attitude he had. Passers by kept turning and looking at him, yet he was quite oblivious to their stares. He just sat there having a normal conversation with his friend and me. It made me think about bitterness. I wonder if, as you read the word bitterness, whether it brings up some emotion in you. Maybe you've trusted somebody who has cheated you out of a large sum of money. Or maybe another person got the promotion or the raise that you deserved. Or you've been unfairly criticized while trying to do your best. Or you have children who continually disappoint you? Or maybe you have suffered a very ego-deflating setback in your office. Or maybe you've discovered that your spouse is having an affair. These days it seems that the harder you try, the more things seem to be going wrong.
All these scenarios have one potential – the potential to lead you into bitterness, and if by any chance, this word has struck a chord with you, I'd really like to engage with you, through this post. Because, refusal to let go when someone or something is taken from us, and to constantly bring that memory up and hold on to it causes more and more hurt. Someone once said, "Unresolved hurt leads to resentment. Unresolved resentment leads to anger. Unresolved anger leads to hate and unresolved hate leads to bitterness. And bitterness is one of the most debilitating attitudes that one can have." It's like rust, it will kill you from within. It's an unhealthy emotion. It's anger that is nursed over and over again. I think it was Joyce Meyer who said – "Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die." But, it only causes trouble for us.
Dr. Leon Seltzer, writing in Psychology Today says, "The thing about bitterness and anger is as though you have somehow cultivated your anger as some sort of analgesic. And rather than devoting yourself to actually healing from your hurt, you've instead become addicted to numbing it through a painkiller. The supreme irony of this situation is that, to have your painkiller (that is anger) continue to work, you must keep your wound fresh and open." How terrible – to continue to let that anger fester in your life, you need to keep that wound open. So we keep the memory of that hurt alive, and bitterness finds fertile soil to grow in. And we all know, bitter people don't make for pleasant company—they normally harbor a negative, sour demeanor and attitude to life. And colleagues like this are difficult coworkers.
But here's the fact: It all comes down to a choice we make: whether to harbor and nurse the injustices and hurts, or to let them go. It's a choice. Viktor Frankl, who spent many years in a concentration camp, says, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." Choice, that's the one thing that cannot be taken away from us. Consider these people who had every reason to bitter but chose not to: Lech Walesa, who in the 1980s was the national leader of the independent trade union movement, Solidarity. Through difficult days he persevered, never letting the circumstances get the better of him, and finally became Poland's first President. He once said, "It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness, and a mood of helplessness prevail." Martin Luther King, Jr. another leader who went through exacting times, advised, "Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness." Nelson Mandela, who had every reason to be bitter after being incarcerated for over twenty-five years, remarked, "As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison." Powerful words! But it came down to a choice, and they all made the right one, and were able to lead movements that changed the course of history.
Amy Reese Anderson wrote an article "Trials Should Make Us Better, Not Bitter." In it she references a seminar that she had gone for where she saw a young girl in her 20s, who had a problem with her hearing and was completely blind. This girl got up and spoke to us, she says, and in the course of the talk said, "Close your eyes and imagine a world where all you can see is darkness, no color, no light. Can you see how depressing that would feel?" Then she said, "Keep your eyes closed and now imagine a world with color, light and joy. The second picture you imagined is what I choose to see every day." She had a choice in life to be sad and depressed and see only darkness, or to be happy and joyful and see color and light." She went on to say, "I often think that many of us count our blessings on our fingers and toes, but count our trials with a calculator." Isn't that true? Often, that is what we do. We just remember all the bad things and we ask: Why? Why me? Why is my life hard? Why am I having to struggle? Why do I have to suffer loss? Why, why, why? Then she said, "I too, wake up each day and ask, 'Why me? Why am I so lucky to have ten fingers and ten toes? Why am I so lucky to have people that love me? Why am I so lucky to be able to walk? Why am I so blessed?'" BRILLIANT, isn't it, the ability to choose. All of us go through trials, and when we choose the right attitude, it makes us better, not bitter.
Our Holy Scriptures say, "See to it that no bitterness grows up to cause trouble." And it causes trouble – it always does. We end up being toxic, function sub-optimally, cannot give of our best, and invariably lose our joy.
So how do we get over bitterness? All the books that you can read about bitterness come to one focal point of deliverance and that is to forgive. Contrary to popular opinion, however, forgiveness is not about letting the other person off the hook; it's actually about letting you and me off the hook. That's what we need to do, to stay free of bitterness.
My friends, if you are dealing with a root of bitterness today, please do something about it, because it only ends up hurting you, nobody else. My prayer is that today you would let go of your bitterness, exercise your choice to forgive, and bring back the joy of a bitter-free life.
May I pray on your behalf?
Almighty God, bless each person who has read this post, and Lord, if there is anyone with a root of bitterness, I pray that You would work with this person through this day and help them to get rid of it, to forgive the person who has hurt them and to have joy restored into their lives. I pray this in Jesus' precious name. Amen.
Endnotes:
• Leon F. Seltzer, "Don't let your anger 'mature' into bitterness," https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201501/don-t-let-your-anger-mature-bitterness
• Lech Walesa, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201501/don-t-let-your-anger-mature-bitterness
• Viktor Frankl, http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/51356-everything-can-be-taken-from-a-man-but-one-thing
• Martin Luther King Jr. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201501/don-t-let-your-anger-mature-bitterness
• Nelson Mandela, http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/278812-as-i-walked-out-the-door-toward-the-gate-that
• Amy Reese Anderson, "Trials should make us Better, not Bitter." http://www.forbes.com/sites/amyanderson/2013/04/10/why-me/
• Bible quote: http://biblehub.com/hebrews/12-15.htm
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