I've been thinking about a quote that I heard many years ago, but which always gladdens my heart and makes me think about people that I love and care about. It goes like this: "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." Isn't that beautiful! You cannot listen to a quote like this and not immediately allow your mind's eye to go to people who you know are good friends of yours, people who will sing back the words when you have forgotten them.
These days, though, I think that friendships are being pushed out of our lives. We spend 10-12 hours every day at our work and more often than not, we don't take the time to have and develop deep friendships, the kind that we can share our hearts with. That is slowly getting pushed out. To have a close friend means that we must invest in the friendship. We don't have close friends who are able to stand with us in times of trouble because we don't have the time to make these investments. Consequently we don't have friends who will be able to give it to us as it is, which is such an important component of good and dear friendships.
Increasingly I find that we are getting more and more comfortable having probably 10 – 12 people whom we are close with, but not the 2 or 3 people who we can really share our hearts with. I think deep friendships must be an integral part of our lives. Somebody once said, "To love is to care, and to care is to be vulnerable." And sometimes, vulnerability makes us want to move away from investing in deep friendships. The truth is that we don't really want to be vulnerable. Yet, I think that being vulnerable is so important for us to be keyed in to life and things that we are doing and things that are happening all around us.
Many years ago I was involved in a musical production and we were heading in to the home stretch. Our date for the first concert was set and we were studio-recording the music. I remember being very ill at that time and was getting through the recordings by taking Crocin every 4 hours. We finally finished the recording and I was flat on my back, but still not willing to move the opening date thinking that I would be fine. I was really ill. Then a dear friend of mine walked into my room (we were both instrumental in pushing this project through) and he said to me, "If you want to go ahead with the production date, go ahead. But, I will not be a part of it." I couldn't even think of him not being a part of it and yet, he was willing to risk his friendship because he knew that I was in no position to go ahead. He took the wind out of my sails; I just collapsed and decided to deal with my illness. So we postponed by 3 months and I was able to get back on my feet. And we finally did the production. I've never forgotten that day. A friend is someone who can look at you, really pull out all the stops and be able to tell you as it is.
Lars Wilhelmssohn in his book, "Making Friends Forever" says, "Friends are a must. We must have friends and be friends to be fully human and alive." Generally, we have 3 circles of friends:
· The outer circle – which basically comprises of acquaintances, people who we get along with, interact with, gel with. No real issues come up and we don't really get into any controversial topics. We don't have any problem with this kind of friendship.
· The middle circle of maybe 10 or 12 friends, those we automatically put on a guest list when we are throwing a party, people that we can relax with, joke with and yet, know that they won't take us too seriously. Basically people with whom you can let your hair down.
· Finally, the inner circle – 2 or 3 people with whom you can really be yourself; people who you can trust, people who speak into you and you can speak into them, people who go the extra mile for you, who don't need to have you explain things. They are just there for you at the drop of a hat.
I really believe that in today's world, where we are and the busier we get, we are finding it easier to have the first 2 kinds of friendships, the outer and middle circle. But the inner circle is getting pushed out because we don't have the bandwidth, or we are not making the bandwidth, to invest into these kinds of people. Consequently, loneliness is beginning to creep in. The first 2 circles of friends don't really meet the vacuum or the ache, or the longing to have deep friendships.
James Lynch, specialist in psychosomatic diseases, in his book 'Broken-hearted', says, "Loneliness is the #1 cause of illness and death. Lonely people not only live unhappier lives, but they die sooner than those who enjoy warm friendships." We know that it is possible to be surrounded by many people and yet, be very lonely.
Dr. Dale Galloway, a professor of mine, in his book said, "Close friends are priceless. The shallowness and emptiness that can sometimes overtake us if we spend all our time with the outer circle and the middle circle of friends to the exclusion of developing a special inner circle, can ruin us." He quotes Paul Tournier who says, "No one can develop freely in this world and find a full life without fully understanding and being understood by at least one person, or 2 persons or 3, who are close enough for us to bare our souls."
So, my question for you is: Do you have that kind of person around you? And if you don't, I want to challenge you to seek them out, to find those 2 or 3 people that you trust, that you must go after, invest time and build deep friendships. You cannot remain close by neglecting or taking for granted, taking liberties or taking advantage of your close friends. You need to develop them. They don't just happen.
Walter Winchell says, "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." Beautiful! It's so heart-warming to know that somebody will walk in when everybody else walks out.
Somebody else said, "A friend is like a tube of toothpaste – he/she comes through in a tight squeeze." Loyalty is always the key to enjoying lasting friendships.
So, I want to offer this to you in the spaces that you occupy, to really take time out for friendships, take time to cultivate somebody who you know will stand by you, that you know you can count on. But along with that – a word of caution. Seek out friends of the same sex as you are. Why? Because if you are single, getting very close to somebody of the opposite sex can be a problem when you do get married. Letting go of that relationship can be a problem because that relationship must be with your spouse primarily. If you are married, then it would be detrimental to your marriage to be very close to somebody of the opposite sex outside your marriage. So, just a word of caution. Find good friends and invest in them.
The Bible says, "Two are better than one, for if one falls down, the other can help him up. But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls, because there is no one to help."
So a challenge to you, my friends. If you look at your life and say, "I really don't have a close friend. Maybe it's time to invest in one." Close friends are priceless.
May I pray with you? Almighty God, help us to find and develop close friendships with people who will share our lives and be able to speak wise counsel and stand by us in times of need and be loyal. Lord, we know how important that is in our lives. So help us to find those 2 or 3 people whom we can trust and to invest deeply in those relationships. Above all, remind us that You are our best friend, one to whom we can turn to in a moment's notice and You will show us in this world, who we can trust to have that kind of friendship with. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
• Lars Wilhelmssohn, "Making Friends Forever." http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6251405-making-forever-friends
• Dale E. Galloway, "The Fine Art of Getting Along With Others." https://www.amazon.com/Fine-Art-Getting-Along-Others/dp/1885605021/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1488253185&sr=1-2&keywords=The+Fine+Art+of+Getting+along+with+others
• The Bible. Ecclesiastes 4:9
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