I wonder whether you have ever been let down. Even as I ask this question, I know that all of you on this call are nodding your heads and saying "Of course I have. I've been let down many times." And I have too; let down by people that I have trusted or people that I have expected something from, maybe let down by friends who have promised to do something or meet and then not shown up, colleagues who have promised things and then haven't delivered, or even a boss who has promised a promotion which then never came. Closer to home, family members from whom we have expected something and they have not come through.
Every time we are let down by somebody, our typical gut response is to be resentful. Now if resentment by itself is not met, if we don't stop and say "Is this resentment right or wrong? Is it rational or irrational?" and we just harbor that resentment without dealing with it, then there's a progression that begins to happen.
Resentment that is not dealt with, will lead to anger.
Anger that is not dealt with, will lead to hatred.
Hatred that is not dealt with, will lead to bitterness.
And bitterness is one of the most debilitation emotions that you and I can have, because by that time, what should have been directed outwards towards people or sometimes even towards God, is now being directed inward. Bitterness is like rust; it can eat into the most hardened iron or steel from within and make it vulnerable and weak.
Robert G Menzies says, "It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth, that the greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness." Bitterness takes away the joy of life. Bitterness takes away the hopes and aspirations and expectations that we can have of life. It debilitates us.
I was reading an article by Roberta Rand Capone entitled 'Overcoming Bitterness' and she talks of a person called Ron. Ron is 52 and he's never forgiven his mother for walking out on him and his father when he was 8 years old. His anger at his mother has deepened and mutated over the years, poisoning his relationships with the women in his life (he's been married 4 times). He has no friends; they are all tired against his constant tirades against 'the system' that's cheating him out of money; the women who've used him; the employers who've fired him without cause. He blames his mother for every bad break he's ever had. She's the one who set him up for failure. Ron is now overweight and alone, his body wracked with health problems from a steady diet of junk food and the cigarettes he chain smokes. Ironically, his mother has been dead for 20 years.
The person that he hung this bitterness on is long gone. But the effects of that bitterness, that resentment that originally took root in him, have eaten him up.
Bitterness is now becoming so prevalent these days that it is seen to be something that is eating into so many people around the world.
Michael Linden, a German psychiatrist says "In studies done, almost 1-2% of the populations is embittered." That's a huge estimate.
Shari Roan, Los Angeles Times staff writer, writing in the Los Angeles Times, says this about bitter people. "You know them. I know them. And increasingly psychiatrists know them. People who feel they have been wronged by someone and are so bitter, they can barely function other than to ruminate about their circumstances. This behavior is so common and so deeply destructive that some psychiatrists are urging it to be identified as a mental illness under the name 'Post-traumatic Embitterment Disorder'. The behavior was discussed before an enthusiastic audience last week at a meeting of the American Psychiatric Assn. in San Francisco in May 2009."
"The disorder is modeled after post-traumatic stress disorder because it too is a response to a trauma that endures. Something happens in our lives and we've never let it go and it continues to work within us. People with PTSD are left fearful and anxious. Embittered people are left seething for revenge. They feel the world has treated them unfairly. It's one step more complex than anger."
"These embittered people are typically good people who have worked hard at something such as a job, a relationship or an activity. When something unexpectedly awful happens, they don't get the promotion, their spouse files for divorce or they fail to make the Olympic team or whatever, a profound sense of injustice overtakes them. Instead of dealing with the loss with the help of family and friends, they cannot let go of the feeling of being victimized. Almost immediately after the traumatic event, they become angry, pessimistic, aggressive and hopeless haters."
"These people usually don't come for treatment because – 'the world has to change, not me'. They are almost 'treatment-resistant' because revenge is not a treatment."
And that's the end of what happens when we get bitter. We are so seething within that all we can think about is how we can avenge what has happened to us.
Lawrence Kelley adds a little bit of light in an article 'Overcoming Bitterness'. He says, "We tend to think that circumstances cause us to become bitter. But this is not the case. Bitterness is not something that happens to us. It is a characteristic we develop. This can be seen easily enough in the lives of 2 different people faced with similar circumstances.
As we started this call, I talked to you about Ron. His sister went through the same situation and circumstances but was able to move on. She handled what had happened to her early on, forgave and moved on. And she is well settled today. But Ron is so full of the kind of feelings that he cannot get away form and they are destroying him.
How do we look at bitterness? What are the characteristics of bitterness?
1. Bitterness differs from guilt in that guilt is how we feel when we realize we have wronged others. But bitterness is how we feel when we believe others have wronged us. This means our bitter feelings can result from incorrect perceptions as well as real offenses. It can be real/rational or it can be unreal/irrational. It also shows us that bitterness can be directed towards others but ultimately begins to take its root within us.
2. Bitterness is personal. It is the small offenses that begin to cause bitterness. It is the nearness not the enormity of what has happened that makes us bitter. How close it is to our hearts. That is why bitterness is usually felt toward fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children,, roommates, cowaorkers, business partners, neighbours and other people that we know.
3. Bitterness is in the details. We remember every detail. If you think back to an area where you are bitter, you can almost have a vivid picture of what happened. We hold on to that. We remember the words, the intonations and the inflection of voices. It debilitates, diesn't it?
How can we handle bitterness? The only way is that we must release the people who have caused us resentment. We have to forgive. Forgiveness is intentional; forgiveness never waits for feelings; forgiveness is a decision that we make. We release people. Why? Because we recognize that if we hold on to resentment, then ultimately it will only harm us and not the person who caused it.
So, to all of us on this call, as we look back on our life and think whether there is any root of bitterness that is settled within us.
The Bible says in Hebrews 12:15, "Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many."
We owe it to one another, my friends, to help each other. Get away from this terrible condition of bitterness because it can corrupt not only you but the people around you. If there is some kind of bitterness or resentment even in your life and its not been dealt with, turn to God Almighty and ask Him to help you. And if you don't know how to do that, call me. I'll be more than happy to be able to talk to you avbout it and help you process that part of our life.
Remember! Resentment leads to anger, anger leads to hatred and hatred leads to bitterness. Bitterness is like rust – it will eat away inside you.
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