Last week I talked about conforming and how the world tries to shape and mold us into the kind of person they want us to be rather than us being the kind of person we were meant to be. I ended by saying that it was probably time that we spoke out the things that we need to speak. Maybe the world needs to hear that we are wonderfully made and have wonderful inputs that need to be heard and sometimes can get snuffed out when we don’t or conform to the things of the world.
This week I want to talk about another kind of conformity; last week it was outside of us. But there’s a kind that comes from within us. It’s the desire to be a nice person – Mr. or Ms. Nice to people all around us. When we get caught up in that mode, it’s almost like a crab. We end up being everything other people want us to be, doing everything other people want us to be or do, listening to everything other people want us to listen to. In other words, living life according to other people.
If you are in that kind of mode, then there’s something within you that’s screaming and saying, “Will the real me stand up because I am not this; I am somebody else but I am not able to do it because of the way I think.”
As I began to think about that, I recalled an incident some years back when 2 friends and I had gone to see someone in their office. One of the guys kept referring to this person by the wrong name and we were too embarrassed to correct him there. When we were in the car, leaving, I was wondering how to communicate this to him without hurting his feelings. Though we were friends, we were not really close. So I said, “you were talking to so-and-so,” using the right name, hoping he would make the connection. After a couple of minutes, the third person said, “Hey, you kept talking to this person, calling him by the wrong name; what were you thinking?” The guy was really crushed, “Oh my goodness, how could I have done that?” He was crushed.
I began to think about that – on the one hand, I was trying to see how I could communicate to the person without being harsh or hurting his feelings; be sensitive to the whole issue. And the other person just said it. Which was the right way to do it? He was left crushed. Both of us had not done him any real good.
Reflecting on that, I thought that there needs to be some way that we can communicate and give feedback, without compromising ourselves or hurting the other person to the extent where we crush them.
I read an article by Peter Bregman entitled ‘Don’t Be Nice; Be Helpful’ in the Harvard Business Review. He talks about a time when he was in a meeting with an investment firm and the senior analyst Ron was up next for a pitch that he was giving to the managing committee. Bregman writes,
He paused for a minute as he sorted through the pages of numbers in front of him and then he began to present his case. Even though Ron described himself as a numbers guy, he seemed to really enjoy this part of his job. He was meticulous in presenting his ideas and took pride in the depth of his analysis.
Twenty minutes later, as the meeting ended, Laurie, the head of the firm, thanked him for his work, specifically remarking on his exhaustive research. He smiled and thanked her. Everyone filed out except Laurie and me. I asked her how she thought the meeting went.
But she hasn’t. The reason is simple: Laurie is nice.
I wonder for all of us who work with people, whether we hedge from giving people good feedback because we want to remain nice people. And yet we are not doing that person any favor.
Peter Bregman goes on to say, “Everyone should offer feedback to everyone else regardless of position. As long as what you say comes from your care and support for the other person; not your sympathy which feels patronizing or your power which feels humiliating or your anger which feels abusive. Choosing to offer a critical insight to another is a deeply considerate act.”
I don’t know how many times you have been faced with a person who comes to you and says, “Can I be honest with you?” or “Can I shoot straight from the hip?” Invariably we cringe, retreat into ourselves, get out our armor because we know that there are going to be some arrows coming our way. When was the last time that you were around someone who was able to give you good constructive feedback without diminishing yourself?
I was reading another article that made me chuckle because this one is entitled ‘Time to Get Tough: How Being Nasty Can Improve Your Life’ written by Lena Corner where she says, “Being nice can ruin your life according to the authors of 2 new books. Their advice: stop being so pathetic.” She quotes American psychotherapist Jo Ellen Gryzb, “My raison d’être is simply to make people a little less nice.” It’s been her mission ever since she found herself huddled in her bedroom with her husband one Christmas, whispering about how on earth they were going to get rid of their house guests. “I had no idea how to tell them they had overstayed,” she says, “I was a complete walkover.” She says “We are all suffering from the nice factor.”
What about you, my friends? Have you too retreated to a place where you are Mr. or Ms. Nice, doing everything that will not hurt other people or keeping feedback to yourself, just so that people will think you are nice? Really, the bottom line is ‘That’s not the case’. People really need to know how they can improve. And if you and I don’t speak up about it, they will never improve.
Peter Bregman says that he ended that conversation by saying to Laurie, “Shouldn’t you do something about it?” And she finally did. She called Ron, set up a meeting and spoke to him. And Ron changed; he became a better presenter and a less boring analyst.
We have people all around us who are good people who will appreciate good feedback from us if maybe we would stop being so nice or so tentative about sharing good things.
I remember when I was in grad school, I had just finished a talk that I had given and the Vice-President of Academic Affairs of the college had been present. The next day I met him over a cup of coffee and he leaned back in his chair and said, “Cecil, you and I can take a telephone book and read the names and make it sound very interesting. But that’s not what we are called to do. Always make sure that you have good content.”
I have never forgotten that, because on one hand, he let me know that I hadn’t done enough homework, that my content wasn’t good enough. But on the other hand, he also let me know that I had the gift for communicating. I will never forget what he said.
In the Bible there is a line in Proverbs 25:11 that says, “A right word at the right time is like custom-made jewelry.” (Custom-made jewelry may not be something you guys really enjoy or think about; but may be for your spouse or significant other)
He spoke the right word at the right time so beautifully, I’ve never forgotten that content, for me, is the key in communication.
Maybe this morning, give a thought to how you need to stop being Mr. Nice and look around and see how you can also give good feedback that will enhance other people and help them to grow into what they ought to be. For you and me too, if we are to be who we really are, we ought to be thinking about saying the things that we ought to be saying; not trying to be nice but helpful as well.
God Bless You All.
This week I want to talk about another kind of conformity; last week it was outside of us. But there’s a kind that comes from within us. It’s the desire to be a nice person – Mr. or Ms. Nice to people all around us. When we get caught up in that mode, it’s almost like a crab. We end up being everything other people want us to be, doing everything other people want us to be or do, listening to everything other people want us to listen to. In other words, living life according to other people.
If you are in that kind of mode, then there’s something within you that’s screaming and saying, “Will the real me stand up because I am not this; I am somebody else but I am not able to do it because of the way I think.”
As I began to think about that, I recalled an incident some years back when 2 friends and I had gone to see someone in their office. One of the guys kept referring to this person by the wrong name and we were too embarrassed to correct him there. When we were in the car, leaving, I was wondering how to communicate this to him without hurting his feelings. Though we were friends, we were not really close. So I said, “you were talking to so-and-so,” using the right name, hoping he would make the connection. After a couple of minutes, the third person said, “Hey, you kept talking to this person, calling him by the wrong name; what were you thinking?” The guy was really crushed, “Oh my goodness, how could I have done that?” He was crushed.
I began to think about that – on the one hand, I was trying to see how I could communicate to the person without being harsh or hurting his feelings; be sensitive to the whole issue. And the other person just said it. Which was the right way to do it? He was left crushed. Both of us had not done him any real good.
Reflecting on that, I thought that there needs to be some way that we can communicate and give feedback, without compromising ourselves or hurting the other person to the extent where we crush them.
I read an article by Peter Bregman entitled ‘Don’t Be Nice; Be Helpful’ in the Harvard Business Review. He talks about a time when he was in a meeting with an investment firm and the senior analyst Ron was up next for a pitch that he was giving to the managing committee. Bregman writes,
He paused for a minute as he sorted through the pages of numbers in front of him and then he began to present his case. Even though Ron described himself as a numbers guy, he seemed to really enjoy this part of his job. He was meticulous in presenting his ideas and took pride in the depth of his analysis.
Twenty minutes later, as the meeting ended, Laurie, the head of the firm, thanked him for his work, specifically remarking on his exhaustive research. He smiled and thanked her. Everyone filed out except Laurie and me. I asked her how she thought the meeting went.
“Oh my goodness, “she said, “what’s the best way to handle an analyst who drones on and on?”
“Who?” I asked, “Ron?”
“He’s a great analyst, a smart investor, and a really nice guy. But he talks too much.”
“But you told him he did a great job!”
“His analysis was great. But his presentation ….” She trailed off with a chuckle.
“Have you told him?”
“I’ve hinted, but no, not specifically.”
“Why not?”
“I probably should.”
But she hasn’t. The reason is simple: Laurie is nice.
I wonder for all of us who work with people, whether we hedge from giving people good feedback because we want to remain nice people. And yet we are not doing that person any favor.
Peter Bregman goes on to say, “Everyone should offer feedback to everyone else regardless of position. As long as what you say comes from your care and support for the other person; not your sympathy which feels patronizing or your power which feels humiliating or your anger which feels abusive. Choosing to offer a critical insight to another is a deeply considerate act.”
I don’t know how many times you have been faced with a person who comes to you and says, “Can I be honest with you?” or “Can I shoot straight from the hip?” Invariably we cringe, retreat into ourselves, get out our armor because we know that there are going to be some arrows coming our way. When was the last time that you were around someone who was able to give you good constructive feedback without diminishing yourself?
I was reading another article that made me chuckle because this one is entitled ‘Time to Get Tough: How Being Nasty Can Improve Your Life’ written by Lena Corner where she says, “Being nice can ruin your life according to the authors of 2 new books. Their advice: stop being so pathetic.” She quotes American psychotherapist Jo Ellen Gryzb, “My raison d’être is simply to make people a little less nice.” It’s been her mission ever since she found herself huddled in her bedroom with her husband one Christmas, whispering about how on earth they were going to get rid of their house guests. “I had no idea how to tell them they had overstayed,” she says, “I was a complete walkover.” She says “We are all suffering from the nice factor.”
What about you, my friends? Have you too retreated to a place where you are Mr. or Ms. Nice, doing everything that will not hurt other people or keeping feedback to yourself, just so that people will think you are nice? Really, the bottom line is ‘That’s not the case’. People really need to know how they can improve. And if you and I don’t speak up about it, they will never improve.
Peter Bregman says that he ended that conversation by saying to Laurie, “Shouldn’t you do something about it?” And she finally did. She called Ron, set up a meeting and spoke to him. And Ron changed; he became a better presenter and a less boring analyst.
We have people all around us who are good people who will appreciate good feedback from us if maybe we would stop being so nice or so tentative about sharing good things.
I remember when I was in grad school, I had just finished a talk that I had given and the Vice-President of Academic Affairs of the college had been present. The next day I met him over a cup of coffee and he leaned back in his chair and said, “Cecil, you and I can take a telephone book and read the names and make it sound very interesting. But that’s not what we are called to do. Always make sure that you have good content.”
I have never forgotten that, because on one hand, he let me know that I hadn’t done enough homework, that my content wasn’t good enough. But on the other hand, he also let me know that I had the gift for communicating. I will never forget what he said.
In the Bible there is a line in Proverbs 25:11 that says, “A right word at the right time is like custom-made jewelry.” (Custom-made jewelry may not be something you guys really enjoy or think about; but may be for your spouse or significant other)
He spoke the right word at the right time so beautifully, I’ve never forgotten that content, for me, is the key in communication.
Maybe this morning, give a thought to how you need to stop being Mr. Nice and look around and see how you can also give good feedback that will enhance other people and help them to grow into what they ought to be. For you and me too, if we are to be who we really are, we ought to be thinking about saying the things that we ought to be saying; not trying to be nice but helpful as well.
God Bless You All.
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