IF ONLY…

by Dr. Cecil Clements (18th December 2012)



As I’ve been looking at the year that’s running away from us, invariably one starts to think about the months that have gone by and along with that comes some amount of, “Oh, I wish I had done that.” Disappointments tend to creep in, resolutions begin to pop their heads up and say, “This is what you decided at the beginning of the year” and maybe it has or has not been kept.

I was reading an article by Daniel Gulati who says, ‘Disappointment Doesn’t Discriminate’. How true! Whether you are a CEO or just starting out in the corporate world, whether you are male or female, whether you are a graduate or not, rich or poor – it really doesn’t matter. Disappointment comes to all of us. And if we are just disappointed and are then able to move on, it’s fine. But what typically happens with disappointment is that it leads to regrets.

Daniel Gulati in this particular article in HBR says this, “There are 5 top career regrets that have come to the fore.

1. I wish I hadn’t taken the job for the money. That’s a classic one. So often, that’s the single guiding factor in us wanting to take a particular job. Yet, Frederick Herzberg says, “Taking the job for compensation’s sake is really just a ‘hygiene factor’. It’s not a motivating factor.”
   He outlines the typical hygiene factors – working conditions, quality of supervision, salary, status, security, the company we work for, the job that we have, the company policies and administration, the interpersonal relationships that we have with people. All of these are hygiene factors. But they cannot motivate you in the job that you are doing.
   Typical motivation factors are achievement, recognition for achievement, responsibility for tasks, interest that you may have in the particular job that you are doing, the potential for advancement to higher level tasks and whether you can personally grow in this environment. These motivational factors are the key reasons on which you should base which job you should take. Everything else comes as a hygiene factor.
2. I wish I had quit earlier. Herzberg says, “A huge percentage (almost 80%) of people who actually quit their jobs to pursue their passions, wish they had done so earlier. They say that you can’t ever get those years back – they’re gone.”
3. I wish I had the confidence to start my own business. This is interesting because while many feel that that would be something great, (in fact, he quotes a study which states that 79% of workers wished that their current job would help them with starting a business in the future), yet only 15% said they had what it took to venture out on their own. Confidence is a key. It goes beyond just wishful thinking. One of them regretted and said, ‘My biggest regret is that I’m a wantrepreneur instead of an entrepreneur.
4. I wish I had used my time at school more productively. I remember thinking about this and saying, “When I had done my Master’s level course, I was in such a hurry to finish and get into the kind of things that I wanted to do, that finishing it quickly was the objective rather than soaking in the materials that I was going through. Yet when I went back to do my doctoral program, I said that I will not have that regret. One of the regrets that we have is that we look back on school days or college days or business school and we think, “I wish I had spent a little more time soaking in and absorbing all the stuff that was sent my way.
5. I wish I had acted on my career hunches. I wish I had taken the windows of opportunities that came my way, the ‘now or never’ moments or moments of change that I should have got into.

Those were the 5 regrets that he offered in his article on Career Regrets.

But we need to understand what regret is. What does it really mean for us?

Dr. Melanie Greenberg, a psychologist, says, “Regret is a negative cognitive/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. The pain of regret can result in refocusing and taking corrective action or pursuing a new path. However, if we don’t do anything about it, the more likely it is that regret can turn into rumination which in turn can lead to chronic stress that damages mind and body.”

What are things that we regret?

I like this talk that Kathryn Shulz gave on TED. She says, “In a poll that was taken, the 5 things that we regret the most are:

• Education – 30%
• Career – 22%
• Romance – 15%
• Parenting – 10%
• Self – 5.47%

When we regret, what really happens is that we go through various stages.

1. Denial: we say, “Man, this really didn’t happen.”
2. Bewilderment: How could this happen?
3. Punishment: I could kick myself. Why did I allow this?
4. Perseverate: I just learned this word today and it fascinates me. It means to focus obsessively and repeatedly on the exact same thing.

Shulz says, that when we regret, we go through denial, bewilderment, punishment – and then we perseverate, which means we put this into a loop and we begin to focus obsessively and repeatedly on the exact same thing, over and over and over again. You can see what a downward spiral that we’ll go into.

How do we really cope with regret? What are things that we can do?

Dr. Greenberg says:

1. Harness the functional aspects. Regret, like all emotions, has a function for survival. Look at the choices we have. Regret is a major reason why addicts get into recovery. Look at it positively and then see what choices you have to rectify it.
2. If there’s nothing you can do to change the situation, let it go. Find a way to forgive yourself. In fact, talk to somebody, an imaginary person and tell them how they need to let it go. Most people have an easier time forgiving others than themselves.
3. Make sure you are not taking too much blame. Consider the circumstances at the time that may have made it more difficult to make good choices, or the fact that you had limited knowledge at that time. Then say – it happened, it was a mistake. I’m not going to take too much blame. It was a mistake, that’s all.
4. Reframe the situation more positively. Everybody makes mistakes, but they can be opportunities to learn important lessons, new ways of reacting, new values, find out where you are vulnerable and make changes. Reframe it, learn from it and take it forward more positively.

Well, as we come to the end of the year, regret is something that may come up in your mind, in your frame of reference. We need to deal with it positively. Otherwise it can just lead to us getting into debilitating situations.

I like the way Kathryn Shulz says, “The point isn’t to live without regrets. The point is not to hate ourselves for having them.” A key distinction! We cannot live without regret because we often make mistakes. But the point is not to hate ourselves for having them. She goes on to say, “Regret doesn’t remind us we did badly. It reminds us that we know we can do better. So we move from looking backward negatively to looking forward positively.”

I like that! That’s a healthy positive way to look at the year that’s gone by, not to major on some of the mistakes, but to look at it and say, “Okay, it happened,” look at it objectively and say, “But now, I’m going to look ahead and make sure that I don’t repeat them so that I don’t have regrets.”

I like the way our Holy Book puts it. God says, “Do not remember the things that have happened before. Do not think about the things of the past. See, I will do a new thing. It will begin happening now. Will you not know about it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” (Isaiah 43:18-19)

I pray that that would be a blessed point for each one of us on this call, that we look at it positively knowing that God is with us saying, “Don’t worry about the past. I’m going to do something new for you in the days ahead.”

Let me pray with you. Almighty God. Help us to see the days through Your eyes and Your ability, the ability to put the past in perspective and remind us that you are creating beautiful roads in wilderness areas and rivers in the desert. If there are some on this call who feel that they are in the wilderness, Master, or in a desert, I pray that you would show them the way that You are hewing for them. Show them the rivers that will come to refresh them. I pray blessing upon each one in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Resources

• Daniel Gulati, "The Top Five Career Regrets," HBR, Dec 14 2012. http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/12/the_top_five_career_regrets.html
• Kathryn Shulz, "Don't Regret regret." Dec 2011 http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret.html
• Herzberg's Two-Factor Theory of Motivation, http://www.managementstudyguide.com/herzbergs-theory-motivation.htm
• Melanie A. Greenberg, "The Psychology of Regret." http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201205/the-psychology-regret