I was looking at the calendar and thinking: My goodness! This year is running away from us. Tomorrow will mark the middle of November, then one more month and 2017 will go down in history. As years go away from us and we see time hurrying by, sometimes there's a tinge of regret that begins to settle upon us and we think, "Oh my goodness! I wish I had done that, or hadn't done that." Disappointments tend to creep in, resolutions begin to pop their heads up and say: "This is what you decided to do at the beginning of the year" and maybe it has, or has not, been done, or not been kept.
Daniel Gulati wrote an article sometime back entitled 'Disappointment Doesn't Discriminate.' So true! Whether you are a CEO or just starting out in the corporate world, whether you're male or female, whether you are a graduate or not, rich or poor – it really doesn't matter. Disappointment comes to all of us. If you are just disappointed and are able to move on, that's fine. But what typically happens with disappointment, is that it leads to regrets.
Gulati goes on to say in this particular article in Harvard Business Review, that there are five top career regrets that have come to the fore.
1. I wish I hadn't taken the job for the money.
2. I wish I had quit earlier.
3. I wish I had the confidence to start my own business.
4. I wish I had used my time at school more productively.
5. I wish I had acted on my career hunches.
These were the five regrets that he offered in his article on Career Regrets.
But what are regrets? How do we understand what regret really is? What does it really mean to us? For that we need to get a psychologist's point of view and Dr. Melanie Greenberg gives that to us. She says: "Regret is a negative cognitive/emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made. The pain of regret can result in refocusing and taking corrective action or pursuing a new path. However, if we don't do anything about it, the more likely it is that regret can turn into rumination and chronic stress that damages mind and body."
That last line is what worries me. It can turn into rumination if we don't deal with it, which in turn can lead to chronic stress that damages mind and body. So, we need to really ask the question: What are things that we regret? What should we be careful about?
Katheryn Shulz gave this talk on TED and she said, "In a poll that was taken, five things that we regret the most were:
· Education 30%
· Career 22%
· Romance 15%
· Parenting 10%
· Self 5.47%
This begs the question after all this talk on regret: How do we really cope with regret? What are things that we can do as we search deep into our hearts, into our lives and we look at ourselves and say, "Okay, we're talking about regret and I may have a couple of things that I regret doing or have said. What do I do about it?
Dr. Greenberg goes on to say:
1. Harness the Functional Aspects.
Regret, like all emotions, has a function for survival. Look at the choices we have. Regret is a major reason why addicts get into recovery. So, look at it positively and then see what choices you have to rectify it.
2. If There is Nothing You Can Do to Change the Situation, Let It Go
Find a way to forgive yourself and let it go. In fact, talk to somebody, even an imaginary person; role play, tell them how they need to let it go. Most people have an easier time forgiving others than themselves.
3. Make Sure You are Not Taking Too Much Blame
Consider the circumstances at the time that may have made it more difficult to make good choices, or the fact that you had limited knowledge at the time. Then say, "It happened. It was a mistake. I'm not going to take too much blame for this. That's all."
4. Reframe the Situation More Positively
Everybody makes mistakes, but they can be opportunities to learn important lessons – new ways, new values, find out your vulnerabilities and change it. Reframe it. Learn from it and take it forward more positively.
So, as we almost come to the end of the year, and as we look at somethings that we may regret in our lives, deal positively with it. Otherwise, it can get us into situations that we ought not to be in, situations that will pull us down.
I like the way Katheryn Shulz puts it, "The point isn't to live without regrets. The point is not to hate ourselves for having them." A key distinction! We cannot live without regret because we often make mistakes. But the point is not to hate ourselves for having them. She goes on to say, "Regret doesn't remind us we did badly. It reminds us that we know we can do better. So, we move from looking backward negatively, to looking forward positively." That's a healthy positive way to look at the year that's fast going by, not to major on some of the mistakes, but to look at it and say, "Okay, it happened." Then look at it objectively and say, "But now I'm going to look ahead and make sure that I don't repeat them, so that I don't have regrets.
I like the way our Holy Scriptures put it: God says, "But forget all that—it is nothing compared to what I'm going to do! 19 For I'm going to do a brand-new thing. See, I have already begun! Don't you see it? I will make a road through the wilderness of the world for my people to go home, and create rivers for them in the desert! (Isaiah 43:18)
My prayer for each one of you is that this would be a blessed point for each one of us reading this post, that we would look at it positively, knowing that God is with us and saying, "Don't worry about the past. I'm going to do something new for you in the days ahead."
May I pray with you? Almighty God, help us to see the days through Your eyes and Your ability, the ability to put the past in perspective and remind us that You are creating beautiful roads in wilderness areas and rivers in the desert. If there are some who feel that they are in the wilderness or in a desert, I pray that You would show them the way that You are hewing for them. Show them the rivers that will come to refresh them, I pray. I pray a blessing upon each of them in the name of Jesus. Amen.
· Daniel Gulati, "The Top Five Career Regrets," HBR, Dec 14 2012. http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/12/the_top_five_career_regrets.html
· Kathryn Shulz, "Don't Regret regret." Dec 2011 http://www.ted.com/talks/kathryn_schulz_don_t_regret_regret.html
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