Yesterday I went to see my youngest daughter off at the airport. She's 18 now, but being our late addition, we've always called her "Babe". Just last year she travelled as a minor and had to be handed over to a Singapore Airlines escort. And now, here she was, pushing her own trolley to check-in; she was going to get off at London and handle things all on her own. How time flies! We have an 'x' amount of time with children, whether they are our own or children who come into our sphere of reference, but we have them for a time to mold and nurture them. And then they are gone. All we are left with are some of the memories that we've have had with them.
With that background, as I was going through Harvard Business Reviews this morning, I came across an article written by Scott Behsen entitled 'How to be a Family-Friendly Boss.' It got my attention. He talks about a friend of his who was doing extremely well in the corporate world, whose career was rising meteorically. But he was putting in long demanding hours, lot of travel, high-performance standards which he always met or exceeded. Then, one day he realized that he was missing out a lot on his daughter's life. he wasn't a very present father. So instead of looking elsewhere to try and prune down his work, he decided to be a little bold. He went to his boss and said, "Would you be okay if I came in at 12:30 on Wednesdays? I would like to spend time with my daughter on Wednesday mornings, a little daddy-daughter time every week and I will make it up during the week. It won't affect any of my outcomes." His supervisor strangely agreed to this (it was rare in this firm). So this man started to spend the time with his daughter and had a wonderful experience with her.
Fast forward a few years and the author says, "My friend continued on his career trajectory and has repaid the favor of a small, informal family-related accommodation many times over by the value he adds to the firm. He was able to spend time building his lifetime bond with his daughter, and to be present throughout her one and only (and all-too-fleeting) childhood. He's proved that work-family balance and high performance can be complementary rather than contradictory forces."
I like that line because sometimes we think it's and either/or situation – either we are good at our work or we're good at home as parents. Really it's a both/and situation – it's complementary, not contradictory. I then began to look at other articles that focused on good parenting.
I don't know how many of you have had the opportunity to read an interview done by Salman Khan, not the actor, but the one who founded the Khan Academy, which has revolutionized education, the world over. I would encourage you to read this interview in Harvard Business Review if you have anything to do with education. What caught my attention was at the end of the entire interview, he said something that I found so strange to hear. He said, "You've got to spend time with your family." The interviewer asked him this question, "How do you balance work and family?" he replied, "I set hard lines. Weekends are for my family. I do not touch the computer unless it is an absolute emergency. When I come back on Monday, I am refreshed and productive. The same goes for evenings. I've been up on stage at speaking events and said, "I have to go give my kids a bath now," and everyone is shocked. But if I can't have dinner with my kids, give them a bath and read them a book before bed, something is wrong in my life."
When we start thinking like this, then we bring out our essential humanity. We're not really cut out to be these hard-nosed people who just take decisions very logically without any kind of emotion. Sometimes we turn into that kind of person because of the number of hours we spend thinking we have to be like that. Yet, we're made with softer sides, we're made to be humane.
I saw this article in Huffington Post, "Dear 'Daddy' in Seat 16C" written by a mother to a stranger that she met on a flight. This mother had a 3-year-old daughter who had autism. She was worried because she had put her daughter in the middle seat as the daughter wanted to open the window, causing a lot of trouble on the window side of the aircraft. She said, "I didn't know whom I'd get sitting next to me." it turned out that the man was a businessman and she says,
"Dear 'Daddy', (because that's what her daughter Kate called this man)
"I don't know your name, but Kate called you "daddy" for the entire flight last week and you kindly never corrected her. In fact, you didn't even flinch as you could probably tell that she was not confusing you with her own "daddy," but instead making a judgment regarding your level of "safety" for her. If she calls you "daddy" then you better believe she thinks you are alright."
"I watched you as you boarded the flight and you came and sat next to us and took out your important documents from your briefcase. I had a vision of Kate pouring her water all over your multi-million dollar contracts. Then Kate started to talk to you and you closed your briefcase and you started to talk to her and it changed everything. It made that flight so much nicer for me. Thank you for your kindness."
That's what we also need to let people see, that there's a hard-nosed aspect that we need to have at our work but there's also a kindness, a humaneness that needs to come out and that people need to see. I don't know about you. I don't know whether that's ever crossed your mind. I don't know whether you've not gone and asked for permission to spend time with your family because you think that it's a no-no and something that you can't do.
Nora Roberts wrote a trilogy, "The Gallaghers of Ardmore". In it, she makes a point where this person is going to her dad and says to him, "I need to ask you a question." Her dad is not really willing to talk to her as it involves the man that she is married to and he's trying to get out of it. Then she changes tack and asks him about something else and he says, "If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer's always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."
What is it that you want today that you feel that you are scared to ask? Maybe today is the day that you need to put that question out. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. You've already got the 'no' answer if you don't take that step. Maybe today, you need to take that step. If you don't step forward, you are always in the same place. Are you in the same place? Do you wish that you had moved forward a couple of steps? Is it because you haven't put that question out there, because you are fearful of consequences, apprehensive?
We always have to ask the question. Maybe today it's about your family; that you realize that you need to spend more time with your spouse, your children. They're growing up and one day, they'll be gone. Then all you'll be left with are memories. Are you taking the time to make sure that you are with them, to be present as a father/mother? Is the only thing preventing you from being there, asking the question?
Today, I want to push you. Don't be afraid of the 'no' answer because you've already got that if you don't ask the question. Step out! Be bold! Step forward because otherwise you'll always be in the same place and sometimes, that same place gets filled with regret. You don't want that in your life. Just a thought for you and for me as we look at life. Called to be present in the things that we do. Called to be humane. And called also to take steps of courage and faith in moving forward.
Let me pray with you. Almighty God, bless each one on this call. Give us the wisdom to know when to take a step forward, when to speak, when to spend time and how to spend time with the people that we love, so that we don't ever look back with regret to the times we have lost and cannot get back. I pray for each one on this call. We need your wisdom to make the right decisions. Empower us with courage. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
• Scott Behsen, "How to be a Family-Friendly Boss." http://blogs.hbr.org/2014/01/how-to-be-a-family-friendly-boss/
• Life's Work: Salman Khan. (The Khan Academy) http://hbr.org/2014/01/salman-khan/ar/1
• "Dear 'Daddy' in Seat 16C" http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shanell-mouland/dear-daddy-in-seat-16c_b_4585865.html?view=print&comm_ref=false
• Huffington Post, "If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get.." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dennis-merritt-jones/squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease-_b_3628600.html?view=print&comm_ref=false
• Nora Roberts, "The Gallaghers of Ardmore Trilogy," http://books.google.co.in/books?id=Gv2tV84_HjQC&pg=PT417&dq=%22If+you+don%27t+go+after+what+you+want,%2B+Nora+Roberts&hl=en&sa=X&ei=NkntUZ_VEo-u4AOO9oDIBw&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false
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