The other day I was listening to somebody talk about a friend who had lost a pet dog, which hadn't been too old, but suddenly developed some issues. It had been a week or two, and this person was telling his friend that it was time that he got over it and moved on, because they found that this person broke down when somebody at the office inquired about the dog. This person had started crying and couldn't carry on after that. When this friend heard about it, she tried to tell her that one couldn't keep thinking about the loss of a pet and one had to move on.
My heart went out to this person who had lost a pet (I'm a pet lover too). But listening to this, it made me think about grief and how sometimes we try to rush through grief without really understanding that it's a process of settled-ness that needs to come to the mind for one to be able to move on.
You may be familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross who brought out the 5 stages of grief. A person going through a loss, whether it is a loss of a loved one or a pet, or even the loss of a job, can go through these 5 stages and spend various periods of time on these 5 stages. It starts with denial à anger à bargaining à depression à acceptance. Acceptance is the point at which they are able to move on, either saying that they can't do anything about the situation or decide that it's time to move on. But it's very important that people process through these stages because jumping over any of these stages can have a detrimental effect on the well being of the person. You give people time to go through and you will see different aspects of these. People spend varying amounts of time, too, in each of these areas. Some go through it very quickly, some take time while some get stuck in anger or denial or depression. But everybody goes through this.
It made me think about the work place. As you deal with people, you see them in varying places, not necessarily in terms of grief, but in terms of just emotions. Paul Ekman had put down 6 basic emotions that he said are widely recognized:
· Anger – at something that was undeserved, maybe, that will come up in the workplace.
· Disgust – at a colleague or a situation that didn't come out as it should have and could easily have been handled better. So there's a sense of disgust.
· Fear – of the unknown, or an appraisal, a job.
· Joy – maybe an increment that has come up, a sale that has come through.
· Sadness – loss of something
· Surprise – could be good or bad.
All of these emotions play out in the workplace and we deal with it every day and sometimes we can get so focused on the job at hand, that we don't recognize these emotions in colleagues or people who are working with us. Yet, it would be detrimental to productivity to ignore any of these emotions and say, "Get on with it. We have a job to do." sometimes it's better to take the time to figure out what's going on and be of help, than to just run roughshod over them.
Last year, my wife Sheila who is a clinical psychologist, attended the Gottman Institute in Washington for a program that John Gottman and his daughter were having for psychologists. John Gottman is well known for work that he has done with couples. He has studied behavior patterns between spouses for almost 20 years. He is able to predict with almost 90% accuracy whether relationships will survive or not, based on some of the factors that are visible in relationships. He says that blame, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt were among the top indicators of what destroys relationships between spouses. In fact, he calls them 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'.
But Roger Beaudry says that these four indicators are actually workplace toxins as well. They are poisonous workplace communication styles that can do harm in the workplace. Blame, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt – 4 responses to various situations. We look at situations that have happened in the office and say, "Let's debrief, let's find out what happened and see that it doesn't happen again." Basically the idea is to find out what happened in the past and to make sure it doesn't happen in the future. Sometimes, along that way, blame is assigned to a person and when this happens, the focus on the past is on who was right or who was wrong, rather than on the future and how one can make sure it doesn't recur.
Blame will then move on to the person getting defensive. They feel vulnerable and attacked and become defensive. And it doesn't help the situation at all. Because instead of fixing the problem, one is then mounting a defense.
Then, if defense is not taken care of, it moves on to stonewalling. The person is protecting himself, his identity or interests, and might just begin to withdraw and stonewall – have a non-responsive attitude like silence or monosyllabic answers, change the subject or multitask like getting on the phone or doing something during a conversation. It's basically a withdrawal or a retreat from conflict and a failure to engage.
Finally it will move to contempt which begins to build up. For whatever reasons, it pans out into sarcastic comments, disrespectful body language and so on, which just miss the target. People begin to defend their turf. They do not engage in trying to fix the problem. The issue doesn't get resolved.
It all comes back to how we handle emotions that are in the workplace – to take a little trouble and say, "I wonder what is going on with this person. He seems to be a little angry or disgusted or upset. Is there need for me to take 5 minutes to find out and be of a little help so that it doesn't invade the office space?" I think if you are one who has, and you must have, responsibilities within the office to look at the smooth functioning of things, then you must take these considerations into account. Ask yourself: Is there something that is going on with my colleagues? Is there something that's going on with my bosses? Or something going on with the people working with me, reporting to me, my team members? Do I need to just press Pause and ask a question about what's going on in their life? Do I need to give them a little space to get over something that has happened to them? I think if we take the time to be just a little more humane, we stand a better chance of making the workplace a more effective and efficient place.
I'm always reminded of our Scriptures which say: "Treat others the same way as you would want them to treat you." How true! If we were going through a situation like that, we would want other people to treat us with empathy. Maybe today is a day that we can just look beyond targets and sales and beyond even façades, and see if there is a need for you to ask a question, or just reach out and be there for somebody who is going through a difficult time. My prayer is that you would, today, take the time for that.
Can I pray with you? Almighty God, give us eyes today to see beyond what is visible, to hear things that are not being said, and to be men and women who care, who reach out and are able in alleviating pain maybe, or to just help a colleague out, or help somebody to go through a difficult time. Help us to be sensitive today to people around us. We ask this in Jesus' precious name. Amen.
• Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, "On Death & Dying," http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684839385/?tag=psychcentral/103-0294974-7613462?ref=nosim
• Roger Beaudry, "The Four Workplace Toxins--Poisonous Workplace Communication Styles" http://www.aptusrx.com/posts/?p=169&print=1
• Paul Ekman, "Six Basic Emotions," https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contempt
• Bible reference, Luke 6:31 NET
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