I want to start by asking you a very simple question: How do you handle feedback, whether good or bad? Let's start with good feedback. Somebody comes and tells you: "I really like what you said," or "I really liked that presentation that you made." How do you actually respond to them? Do you respond by excusing yourself and saying, "Thank you? I was just lucky." Or minimizing it by saying, "I had a lot of help." Or just a very blunt abrupt "Thank you."
Feedback is difficult. When we get it we're not sure how to respond. Typically we think it's the negative feedback that we can't respond to. But it's the positive ones as well that we almost self-effacingly cannot respond to.
I was reminded that it is so important to be able to handle feedback well. Even when you get positive feedback, it is good to be able to respond and say, "I'm so glad my presentation helped you. What was helpful about it? What did I do that helped you learn?" Ask the question so that people get very specific about the things that they want to say to you, and from which you can learn. It's often difficult to see what you can take away when somebody says, "You did a great job." The better way to accept that feedback would be to say, "In what way do you think I did a good job?" It then forces the person who is giving you the feedback to think through why he/she said that and say, "When you did this, you did it very well."
My elder daughter has the habit of asking these kinds of questions and I'm always very careful when I go to her and say, "You did an excellent job." Her comeback is "Really? Thank you so much. What was it that you liked about it?" She uses that to help her know what it was and to improve herself.
So I was thinking about feedback and the positive side and the negative side and came across this article by Dr. John Gottman, who has done remarkable work on marital stability and relationship analysis. He talked about the Balance Theory of relationships. He said, "Balance Theory doesn't mean that it is 50-50, meaning, you have both negative and positive feedback and it's 50-50 for both. There are volatile issues that must be handled differently." He also talked about the Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) where the positive feedback must outweigh the negative 5:1. That's the magic ratio.
So, as you look at feedback, whether you are getting it or giving it, 5:1 is the magic ratio. If you give a lot of feedback, it would be good to temper it with 5 positive things to say and 1 negative. Also, when we look at office spaces, and if you have positions of power and authority, your gut response may be not to accept feedback of any kind. Some people have the attitude: It's my way or the highway. That could be a path that leads down to destructive places. There is always good that you can get from people. You must create a platform or an atmosphere around you, which enables people to come to you and say, "Do you mind if I tell you this? This is what I see…" Sometimes we can get so caught up with whom we think we are and the way we perceive who we are, that we forget that other perceptions may be quite entirely different from what we think.
So how do we handle feedback? You probably handle positive feedback much better, so I'll focus on negative feedback. How do you handle negative feedback? The first thing would be: Don't obsess on the messenger; stay focused on the message. When somebody comes and says something to us, we often think, "It's not what was said but how it was said that hurt me." We need to move away from that. We need to be able to look at stuff that comes our way and say, "What's the message?" Forget the messenger because most people who give feedback don't really know or understand how to do it tactfully. However, what they are saying has incredible value.
So, learn to separate the objective from the subjective. Look at what they are saying. It may be, for example, "In this particular deck, you left out a very important slide/data." That is a fact, and a fact is something that you need to take very carefully, and seriously. Or they could say, "I think you handled this meeting very poorly," which is a subjective opinion. Weigh that depending on whom the person is. But know that when facts come, you need to take it seriously. Be careful about objective and subjective feedback.
Secondly, as Dick Grote says, "Don't get defensive." Our natural gut response, or our go-to position, is, when we get any feedback, as we are listening to it, we are also thinking of a rebuttal. We are trying to spot inaccuracies in what is being told, or distortions. He says, "The thing to do is to listen without planning your reply." Don't think about what you are going to say. Just listen and at the end of it ask the questions: I want to be sure I understand what you are saying. Do I have it right that you feel this way about what I did?
Thirdly, try and delineate between what is constructive feedback and what is destructive feedback. We get that all the time. Destructive feedback is personal. It can be hurtful and is designed to make you feel bad. It is not meant to create positive change. It really comes from a kind of bully mentality. If you are in a position where that is coming your way, then you need to be able to understand how to handle that. (That is a completely different talk that I will need to do in that area).
But, if it's constructive, it is presenting a problem or how to prevent a problem. It's ensuring that things are done correctly. It's to help you grow and improve. Then you ought to be able to take it, and take it well.
So be careful of these 3 areas:
1. Don't obsess on the messenger; stay on the message. Watch out for the objective or subjective feedback that is coming your way.
2. Don't get defensive about things.
3. Be aware of constructive and destructive feedback.
I was thinking that in our Holy Scriptures, we have the account of Moses. He was leading the Israelites out of Egypt and he brought them to the land of Canaan. It was great leadership skills that he employed in doing that, in knowing exactly how to bring this huge number of people together. Then his father-in-law (who had not been part of the journey) came to observe and congratulate him on what was happening. Then, the next day he sat down and watched Moses as he was hearing all the complaints, quarrels of the people from morning to dusk. He called Moses aside and said, "Look, what you are doing will cause burnout. You cannot carry on like this. You are listening to all this. You've got to stop. Appoint people who can do some of the work that you don't need to do. Delegate authority." Look at Moses' response. It is said that he listened, and he implemented.
We need to be very careful about the feedback that comes our way because it can be good for us. Sometimes we just push it away because we are too busy, we don't want to hear, we don't think too much of the person who is bringing it. But Moses listened to his father-in-law. It prevented him from going into a burnout. I wonder today, whether some feedback that came your way, which you maybe ignored, could be something that you need to take seriously. Doing things that you can get other people to do. Listen to the feedback is the thought that I worked with today. I pray that as you think about this talk through the day, that somehow you'll be able to delineate and decipher the things that are important from the things that are not, and feed on the things that are.
May I pray with you? Almighty God, on each one of these precious ones who read this post, pour out your spirit, a spirit of discernment to be able to sift through all the different voices that come their way, to be able to allow them to focus on those things that are good and positive and nurturing and which will help them to grow. I pray that You would give them the will to be able to accept and put into action those things that need to be put into their own lives. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
• Sabina Nawaz, "Silence the Critical Voices in Your Head." https://hbr.org/2016/12/silence-the-critical-voices-in-your-head
• Ellie Lisitsa, "The Positive Perspective: Dr. Gottman's Magic Ratio," https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-positive-perspective-dr-gottmans-magic-ratio/
• Desiree Moore, "Handling Constructive Feedback like a Professional," https://www.lexisnexis.com/legalnewsroom/lexis-hub/b/career-news-and-trends/archive/2012/06/24/handling-constructive-feedback-like-a-professional.aspx?Redirected=true
• Dick Grote, "How to Handle Negative Feedback," https://hbr.org/2015/08/how-to-handle-negative-feedback
• Chrissy Scivicque, "The Perfect Recipe for Handling Negative Feedback at Work," http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2012/09/13/the-perfect-recipe-for-handling-negative-feedback-at-work
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