Forgiveness - It’s All About You

I need to warn you this morning that you may find today’s topic and contents a bit difficult to take in. But I know that we all will be better people if we accept a couple of things that I am going to be talking about this morning.

I want to read to you a post by Terrance Seamon who said, “Name a word you almost never hear of in connection with the workplace. While there are probably many answers, the one that I name is forgiveness. Somebody drops the ball, fails to meet the expectations, somebody misses a due date? What do we do? Forgive them? What would be the consequences of forgiveness in the workplace? Can you see it happening? How difficult is forgiveness in the workplace setting? I’m sure that even as I started to talk, incidents come rushing to your mind, of times when you have been let down by somebody close to you.
William Blake said, “It is easier to forgive an enemy than it is to forgive a friend.” Sometimes when we have things happen to us or are let down by people around us, it hurts even more. Or when people walk over you to climb up the ladder, or use you to do the donkey work and then take the credit. Our natural response is “Every dog has its day. One day I’ll get even. One day I’ll have my day in the sun.”

But, I want to push you all a little on this call today. Forgiveness is not about other people; forgiveness is about you and me. An unforgiving person is more harmed by that un-forgiveness than the person who has done something to you or to me. It’s like the olden days when a soldier went out to war with armor, and the hope was that this would protect them. They had helmets and armor right down to their shoes. They believed that no spear could cut through that armor. But it didn’t prevent a person dying from a heart attack. Why? Because the disease came from within and the armor couldn’t prevent it. Something that comes from within us is more difficult to deal with than something that comes from without.

Larry James who has written quite a few books on ‘Relationships’ and does seminars on the same, says, “To not forgive another person is like taking the poison and expecting them to die.” We expect them to suffer for what they have done to us when in reality it is us who is going to suffer.

Alexander Pope said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” And sometimes that’s what it takes. We’ve got to rise above our situation and circumstances and forgive somebody. Larry James goes on to say, “Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, the resentment, or the sense of betrayal, can make your own life miserable, because a vindictive mind creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.”

I always feel that bitterness is like rust. The strongest steel can get eaten into by rust and it can get weakened. That’s what bitterness does to us that comes from an unforgiving spirit.

Sometimes there are misconceptions that are associated with forgiveness.

• The greatest misconception is that forgiveness means that you condone what has happened to you. That is not true! In fact, we can only forgive what we know to be wrong.
• Forgiveness does not mean also that you have to reconcile with someone who has treated you badly. Forgiveness is just letting go of that person.
• Another misconception is that it depends on whether the person who did you wrong, apologizes. But if another person’s poor behavior becomes the primary determinant for your feeling, then (think about this) unkind selfish people in your life would have power over you indefinitely. Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside and can neither be compelled nor stopped by another. And must not be compelled or stopped by another. So, to forgive is to choose and say, “I will not remain a victim.”

I remember somebody talking of forgiveness and gave me such a graphic vision of it. I want to pass it on to you. Imagine as you look at your life and the people who have hurt you, imagine they have hooks and those hooks are connected to them. And every time you look at someone you have not forgiven, it’s like a hook that is hooked on to you. And as you go through life, you are walking with all those hooks on you. Think of the amount of weight that you carry. Forgiveness, my friends, is about cutting off those hooks so that you can be free to walk your journey without all that excess baggage.

Forgiveness at work is how I started. I was reading the Center for Association Leadership and they say, “Forgiveness does not rule out heart-to-heart talks in which the person confronts the offender. One can forgive and still establish boundaries, expectations, and performance and conduct standards. It does not even rule out dismissal. One can forgive someone and still say goodbye. Forgiveness simply involves finding compassion for the offender. It requires remembering that all people have faults, foibles, insecurities and anxieties. It results in freedom for the forgiver.”

So it boils down to freedom for you, peace for you, the ability to do what you want to do without having somebody control or have power over you.

Mahatma Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive; forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” It takes strong people to forgive.

How do you forgive? What would be the process? I’ll outline it very quickly for you.

1. Recognizing the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life. I hope that by now, there has been some amount of value that has come from what I have given to you. There is need to forgive.
2. Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you’ve reacted, how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being. It is saying, “I’ve been hurt. Something wrong has been done,” and accepting it. It is not trying to push it all under the carpet and acting like nothing has happened.
3. Choosing to forgive the person who has offended you. Remember, forgiveness is a choice.
4. Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power that the offending person and situation has on your life. Don’t let them have any more power over you. Forgiveness is letting go of them.
5. As you let go of grudges, you no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt and you are able to be much freer.

In the Bible, Jesus had one of his close disciples Peter, ask him. “How many times should I forgive my brother?” that’s a question we like to ask because we want to know numbers. If I know that it is 7 times, then the eighth time I don’t need to forgive. Jesus turns to him and says, “Not 7 times, but seventy times seven.” Which means – forget the numbers. You just have to keep on forgiving because it increases the quality of your life.

Forgiveness is therapeutic. It’s a good cleansing process. It’s something that frees you up to be who God intended you to be. It’s letting go of all of the excess baggage that we don’t need to be walking with through life. That’s what forgiveness is. It’s about you. It’s about the choice you make to be a free person.

God Bless You All.