Quitting – Sometimes the Best Option

I read a very touching blog by a lady who goes by LuAnne@53. She wrote about a jockey called Kent Desormeaux, who was riding a horse called Big Brown. Now Big Brown was running in a race and everybody had stakes on him. But the jockey suddenly pulled up the horse and finished the race last, because he was more concerned about the health and well-being of his horse than his own career and reputation. This lady who writes the blog says, “Wouldn’t it be great if we all had someone like that, someone who was in tune with us, enough to know when we don’t have it in us anymore or aren’t able to complete what everyone expects of us? Or just know that today is not our day and pull us out?

As I read that I thought how true it was. So often we long for someone to tell us that it is ok not to be able to finish something. It’s ok to change tracks. It’s ok to quit, to remember that some days it’s not about winning the race; it’s about having someone along for the ride who’s biggest and only concern is you. Just like Kent was for his horse Big Brown. He didn’t want to jeopardize his horse by pushing it, and decided to pull back and come in last.

As we go about life’s journey, every now and then, we too ‘almost’ need the permission to not come in first, to not do something that wins us accolades, to be able to change track and not think we were losers because of it. I sometimes think that in a world where everything is about winning and success, to be able to look at something and say, “This is not what I want to do and I’m going to call it quits.” It maybe the best option for us in some situations and yet what rides against us, is the pressure of the one-liners that we hear in any number of motivational speeches that say: “Winners never quit and quitters never win,” etc, that put so much pressure on us to just keep going; when in fact, probably the best thing we could have done in particular situations is to call it quits.

A business professor gave some good advice to a person who was starting out a business, “Know when to quit. Set a goal, a benchmark, a standard and make sure that everyone involved understands that if you don’t hit that mark on time, then it’s time to pack up, call it a day and learn from your failure. Otherwise you run the risk of continually walking down the path to nowhere and you’ll waste time, money and energy that could have been placed somewhere better.” Good advice! To know when to quit a project, to know when to quit a business plan, to know when things are really not working and the best option is to just stop.
Some years ago, there was a controversial book because of this very premise, called ‘The Dip’ by Seth Gordon. His premise was that sometimes we don’t know that it is more profitable and more in line with a person’s talents and abilities to quit than to keep going. This is not about quitting. It’s called Strategic Quitting. This simply means that you can quit the project intelligently and purposefully because you know it is not the right objective for you and your company. As a matter of fact, you’re not merely quitting because you’re actually moving on to more important relevant and realistic goals given your abilities and resources.
Many people say that Michael Jordan should have stayed retired, that he made one of the biggest blunders when he donned the jersey for Washington Wizards again, after he had quit from the Chicago Bulls. Sometimes we don’t know when to quit. We just want to keep going and we get into this rut that drains us and takes us down to a place where our resources and talents are not being optimized.

I don’t know whether you are in that kind of a position, if what I’m saying today resonates with you. Sometimes we can get to this place where there are so many things happening in our lives, that we are not sure that we are really on the goal that we ought be. And when we have a lot of balls in the air, it’s very difficult to be objective. Very often we begin to freeze and move into a default mode where we get up in the morning, do the things that we ought to do, deal with as many balls as we can, that are there in the air, and then get back home.

But maybe it’s time to stop, take a deep breath and say, “I have all these things going on in my life. But are they actually achieving anything? Am I really getting anywhere with what’s going on?
Sheena Iyengar, Management Professor at Columbia University Business School did a study. She went into a department store and she offered one group of people samples of 6 different jams available for purchase, while she offered another group 24 different jams, including the 6 jams that were offered to the first group. With all that choice, you’d think that the group offered the 24 samples would be more likely to purchase one. But it was the opposite. Those in the 6 jam group turned out to be 10 times more likely to purchase a jar of jam. Her premise was this: that the more numerous our options, the more difficult it becomes to choose a single one. And to we end up choosing none at all.

That’s what happens when we have too many things to do. We become overwhelmed and don’t do any of them at all. That’s what can happen when we continue doing things that we ought to have stopped. Along with those things that we are doing that we ought to have called quits a long time ago, come a whole lot of other things that we are not able to look at and say, “These things don’t belong on my plate. We are not able to see objectively and so we end up trying to handle it all and in the process end up not handling anything at all.”

Peter Bregman, writing in a blog for Harvard Business Review says, “When we get into this kind of a position where possibly we are getting overwhelmed, then the key is to be able to manage to get through the situation. Come to a place of sanity.” He says that what has worked for him is this:

1. Spend a few minutes writing down everything on a piece of paper. Resist the urge to use technology for this task.
2. Spend 15 minutes, no more, knocking out as many of the easiest fastest tasks that you can. Make quick phone calls, send short emails; don’t worry about whether they are important tasks or not on the list. You are just creating momentum. The goal is to cross out as many items as possible in the shortest time. Use a timer. Keep focused.
3. Then when your 15 minutes are up, close down your phones, turn down your computer and choose the most daunting thing on your list, the one that instills the most stress or has the highest priority. Then work on it and only that one thing without hesitation or distraction for about 35 minutes. After 35 minutes, take a break for 10 minutes and then start the hour long process again, beginning with the 15 minutes of quick action.

Working within a specific and limited time frame is important because the race against time keeps us focused. When our stress is generalized, it is difficult to manage it. But when you give yourself short time frames, the increased pressure actually helps us keep our efforts specific and particular to one task.

What happens here is that the good motivating stress negates the negative disconcerting stress and helps the fog of being overwhelmed suddenly begin to dissipate and clear off.

I wonder whether I am speaking to any of you on this call, whether that’s where you are, whether things seem kind of blah. There’s no zest, but you’re very busy. You’ve got a million things going on. Yet nothing seems to be getting done. You’re just getting overwhelmed, the stress level is increasing and you’re not sure that any progress is being made in your own life. Wonder if you are in this position. If you are, one of the first things that you need to do before dealing with your life situation is to handle that stress. Because stress can do all kinds of untold damage.

The American Psychological Association says that there are possibly 6 or 7 things that you can do in this situation. I want to give them to you so that you can handle this important thing of de-stressing yourself or getting away from this feeling of being overwhelmed, to the point of where you can make a decision of whether to make a change or to quit.

1. Know yourself. Be aware of your stress level and know what stresses you out. People experience stress in different ways. You may have had a hard time concentrating or making decisions, feel angry, irritable, out of control, headaches, muscle tension, lack of energy. All of these are stress signals.
2. Recognize how you deal with stress. Do you engage in unhealthy behaviors like smoking, drinking, eating poorly to cope with your stress? Do you lose patience with your children, spouse, and co-workers when you feel overwhelmed by work pressures?
3. Turn off and tune in. Communication technology can take you to productivity heights never imagined, but can also allow work to creep into family time, dinner and vacations. Set rules for yourself, such as turning off your cell phone or Blackberry when you get home, establishing certain times when you return calls.
4. Keep a to-do list. Worried that you forget something important, constantly thinking of all the things that you need to get done? Clear your head. Put those thoughts down on paper. I know a friend who used to keep a notepad right next to his bed and in his pocket, so he could write down things that came to him.
5. Take short breaks, stay energized and productive. Taking a minute or 2 throughout the day to stand up, stretch and breathe deeply and shake off the accumulating tension.
6. Find healthy ways to manage that stress. Exercise, going out with friends, keeping times with family.
7. Take care of yourself. Eat right, get plenty of sleep, drink plenty of water, and engage in physical activity.

Put these things into operation if you are at a point where you are beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Here’s what I would like to say to you. I want to go back to that blog that I started with. So often we need somebody in our lives who gives us permission to quit. I wish that your spouses were on this call. Sometimes that’s what we need. We need somebody dear to us to say, “Hey! It’s ok for you to quit. It’s ok for you to stop.” Because sometimes what drives us is our pride – what will people think? What will my spouse think? What will my family think if I let go of this? We put undue pressure. Like Kent who knew when he needed to let his horse lose that particular race, we need somebody to speak to us, to say it’s ok. And maybe today what we need to do is give permission to our spouses and say that anytime they think that we are in a place that we ought not to be, they can speak to us and say it’s ok to quit. Or maybe you need to give that permission to a friend today and say “Anytime you see me in activity that is detrimental to whom I am, or the kind of person I am, tell me that I ought to be doing something else.

I want to leave you with some words from the Bible because the greatest support that you can get is from God. “When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burnt up. The flames will not consume you for I am the Lord your God.”

God Bless You All.