I came to Bombay when I was about 21 years old. I remember travelling with my dad along the Western Express highway, passing all the shops that sold marble and granite. My dad once asked me if I knew how to determine what was authentic marble and what was not. I confessed that I didn't. He smiled and said; "You will know good authentic marble by its faults." The pun was intended, I think, at that time to make sure that I understood.
But today, I thought that it was a good metaphor for our own lives. When you look at synthetic marble, you see that it has no faults or imperfections; yet it doesn't last. But true marble comes with its fault lines and lasts a long, long time. The same can be applied to our own lives – when we allow our faults and imperfections to be shown, our authenticity allows us to connect with people at a much better and efficient level.
Ron Carlucci wrote an article just a few days back published in Harvard Business Review and he says, "A leader's greatest source of credibility is, ironically, their vulnerability. Owning imperfections wins trust; hiding them doesn't." Why then is it that we hide our imperfections? Why is it that we cannot allow people to see us as we really are, to understand that we are human after all? Why this desire to cover up and seem to be perfect in every thing that we do?
A study was done at the Center for Leadership Development and Research at Stanford Graduate School of Business a couple of years ago. They interviewed more than 200 CEOs and found that 100% of the CEOs actually said that they enjoy the process of receiving coaching and leadership advice. But 66% of them sadly said they did not receive that coaching and leadership advice. They felt that they were just going it alone. Which begs the question: Why? The obvious answer to that is because when you seek advice and try to learn, you have to know that you have something to learn, that you haven't got there and that there are areas of your life where you can receive from others, and that looking to learn and grow in those areas is not a sign of weakness.
David Williams, in his article "The Best Leaders Are Vulnerable" says, "At the very essence of their strategy is the fierce belief that showing even the slightest hit of vulnerability would cause their teams to see them as 'weak'." He offers that as a reason why many leaders will not show that they have faults, that they need help, that they are also vulnerable. Interesting, isn't it?
I was watching a television serial 'NYPD Blue' and one of the episodes had Andy Sipowicz, who is a cop in the 15th Precinct. He was showing his son, who had also just joined the police force, the ropes. One day he was called in for an emergency where there were a couple of homicides, and he finds that one of the bodies lying there is his son who's been shot because he went in to stop a robbery and an assault on a woman. The perpetrator came from behind and shot him. The episode goes on to show how Sipowicz loses it. He cannot handle the grief; he's torn apart with questions of whether he did what was right in showing his son the ropes and so on. He is a recovering alcoholic but starts drinking again and reaches a stage where his wife tells him to leave – and he's got a little child, 3-4 months old. His heart is broken and he spends all his time out. Finally the killers are caught and he walks back into that place where his son would have been and he sees 3 guys harassing people passing by and he challenges them. He's drunk and they beat him up and take his gun. He has a couple of broken ribs and and a messed up face. He is taken to the station after being treated at the hospital—a broken man. His partner looks him in the eye and says, "Andy, do you want any of us to help you or do you just want to do this alone? Whether you like it or not, we are picking up the slack. We cover for you." Andy realizes that he has hit the bottom and he mutters, "I need your help." With that acknowledgement of vulnerability, of needing other people, he begins to straighten out.
We are able to get help, able to get better at what we do, when we allow other people into our lives, when we are vulnerable. A great talk by Dr. Brené Brown on TEDx is one that you must listen to. She says, (and I paraphrase loosely) "All of us long for connection with people. And the one thing that keeps us from connecting is shame and fear of not matching up to who we think we ought to be. There's such a strong sense that if we are vulnerable, we would be shamed, that it brings us into a place of fear. What we need to do is to be able to be who we are rather than who we think we ought to be." Strange as it may seem, her research (and she's done exhaustive research) shows that being vulnerable doesn't lead to shame and fear. On the other hand, vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, much belonging and love!
That's a good place to be, isn't it? But to get there we need to be authentic, and authenticity involves vulnerability. To be able to acknowledge that there are things we don't know, and are ready to learn. We must look for advice from people; look to connect because connecting allows us to do the things that we ought to do in a more efficient way. We are not made to live as islands. However far up the totem pole we are, we are not meant to be alone. Lonely as it may get at the top, we still need to reach out to people who can speak into our lives.
Our Scriptures warn us of being very careful about getting to a point where we think we are too big. "I realize how kind God has been to me, and so I tell each of you not to think you are better than you really are. Use good sense and measure yourself by the amount of faith that God has given you." A good word for all of us – to use good sense in understanding who God has made us to be and then be able to be authentic with people around and live better connected lives. I remember reading this saying a long time ago: "To love is to care; and to care is to be vulnerable." True, isn't it? In all things lofty, embracing our vulnerability is key. In this case as well.
May I offer this prayer on our behalf?
Almighty God, bless each person who reads this post and give us the wisdom to know how to be authentic, how to be confident in our vulnerability, to be able to connect better and to live beautiful lives. We pray that vulnerability will be the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love for each one of us. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Endnotes:
• Ron Carlucci, "Great Leaders Know They're Not Perfect." https://hbr.org/2015/12/great-leaders-know-theyre-not-perfect
• Brené Brown, "The Power of Vulnerability," https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en#t-560488
• David K. Williams, "The Best Leaders are Vulnerable," http://www.forbes.com/sites/davidkwilliams/2013/07/18/the-best-leaders-are-vulnerable/
• Stanford GSB Staff, "David Larcker: 'Lonely at the Top resonates with all CEO's'" http://www.gsb.stanford.edu/insights/david-larcker-lonely-top-resonates-most-ceos
• Bible Reference: Romans 12:3, https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/Romans%2012%3A3
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